Tell Me About It: If it's love, adjust those 'before-we-met' plans

Question:

I met the love of my life in college, and we both graduated. This college is in my home state, but not his.

His career plans were to move to a neighboring state with better opportunities in his field, which he did.

My plans were always to take six months off, then continue with school at my state college for another year and a half to get my master's (which I am doing). During those six months, I went to live with him, which was a bit of a sacrifice on my part toward saving for grad school. I also found out I absolutely hated it there.

My master's program is also stressful, and the distance has been rough on our relationship. I asked him to come back to live with me during the remainder of my program. He refused because he doesn't want to put the start of his career on hold.

I tried to reason with him, saying if he wanted me to spend the rest of my life with him, especially in a city and state I hate, then my request wasn't that unreasonable. I feel like I am the one making all the changes to my life's plans, and I am hurt he was unwilling to move for a few months in exchange for the rest of my whole life. Am I being unreasonable and selfish?

Answer: And melodramatic like middle- schoolers at a school dance? Yes.

Unless he's unemployed and not actively looking, his relocating for a "few months" would be extremely disruptive. And for what - to hold your hand? It's not death, it's grad school. Or is the relocation bid a test?

You spent six months on his turf because you chose to. Since you didn't know you hated it until you got there, and since you didn't postpone your schooling any longer than you had been planning to since birth, your case for making a sacrifice is thin.

You gave him six interim months. He has no such interim months to give you in return.

Realize that your "before we met" futures are defunct. If you now envision each other in your futures, in addition to satisfying careers, you need to get past my-sacrifice-is-bigger- than-your-sacrifice jockeying.