Dear Amy:

My wife and I have been married for more than 20 years. I recently discovered that she has been having a two-year love affair with a man in another state who works for her company.

This follows another short-lived affair that she had about 14 years ago.

After my recent discovery, we rationally discussed where to go from here, as we have a 10-year-old son to think about (we also have two older boys in college).

My wife and I still get along, but she struggles to be intimate with me, and confesses she has never really been "in love" with me. She acknowledges and appreciates all that I do for her, but it is becoming apparent that she may never really be happy with me as her husband.

We have agreed to go to counseling, but I can't help but wonder whether staying in the marriage is the right decision for me.

Even through two affairs, I love and adore her and simply wish she would love me back. But if she hasn't fallen in love with me over the course of the last two decades (and yet fell deeply in love with two other men during that time) can it ever happen?

- Twice Bitten Still Shy

Dear Twice Bitten: Your wife's words and actions fall into a fairly clear pattern - and so do yours. And so your wife will periodically fall in love with other people and you will mourn and pine and try to patch things up.

You deserve to see the love you extend returned to you.

Passionless marriages can succeed as fond partnerships, but your wife deceives you when she feels like it, and that's not how good partners - or good parents - behave.

You two must hash this out in counseling, and then you will have an individual and personal decision to make.

Your decision should come from a place of personal integrity, and not from the hope that your wife will break her pattern and behave differently.