You like beer. You have kids. (You like them, too. Sometimes.)
In theory, you could be one of the 60,000 or so participants in Philly Beer Week, starting tomorrow, lasting 10 days and including 100s of delish events.
But there's that pesky thing. Kids can't enjoy beer the way you do. What's a parental drinker to do?
Here's your guide: How to Take Your Kid to Beer Week (in five easy, mostly free steps):
Legally, you could buy your child a seat at the $125-a-person, eight-course dinner Tuesday at Sancho Pistola's (19 W. Girard Ave.) and just not let him quaff the meal's centerpiece microbrews.
You also could, but shouldn't, bring the brood to boozy Sunday night karaoke at McGillin's (1310 Drury St.).
The Pennsylvania Liquor Control Board allows up to five minors to be in a bar with a parent or legal guardian.
It also would be within the law to drag 'em round on the suds-drenched Hammer of Glory Relay (read: daylong pub crawl) tomorrow, leading up to the Opening Tap bacchanal tomorrow night at the 23rd Street Armory, wherein the wayward iron tool whacks open a craft keg, and erstwhile upstanding citizens try not to fall down.
"I don't know if we've ever had anyone try to bring a child in" to that last event, said longtime festival publicist Clare Pelino, who happens to be a mother. She didn't add - because she didn't have to - that kids and keggers don't mix.
"Outdoorsy events are generally kid-friendly," said Beer Week director Kristine Kennedy, also a mom. Among the beer gardens holding special events: Frankford Hall (1210 Frankford Ave.), Fergie's (1214 Sansom St.), Memphis Taproom (2331 E. Cumberland St.), Spruce Street Harbor Park (S. Columbus Blvd., 5-8 p.m. Friday & June 5) and the South Street PHS Pop-Up Garden (1438-46 South St.).
The festival's official pop-up happy hour happens beneath the cool brick Headhouse Shambles (2nd Street, Pine to Lombard, 5-9 p.m. Monday-June 5).
This Saturday, Wash West's Varga Bar is home base for a country-fair-style shindig with dunk tank, wing-eating contest (to watch, not enter), and photo booth (noon-11 p.m., 10th and Spruce streets).
Same day, Oregon-based Deschutes Brewery sets up its block-long Street Pub along 2nd Street, at South, serving pierogi, live music, make-your-own buttons, hula hooping and communal shots for of-age drinkers, and benefiting the Vetri Foundation for Children (noon-10 p.m., deschutesbrewery.com).
On June 6, neighborhood heavies Johnny Brenda's, Fette Sau, La Colombe, Bottle Bar East and Frankford Hall shut down Frankford Avenue from Girard Avenue to Master Street for a foodie-friendly Fishtown FestivAle sure to attract cooler kids (noon-8 p.m.).
Along with the daylong block parties, some events actually want families. Deer Creek Malthouse, in Glen Mills, opens its 63 acres to the public for the first time Saturday.
Hay wagons take guests around the farm, into the converted barn and past sampling stations before stopping to visit sheep and horses, and to picnic (1629 E. Street Road, 10 a.m.-2 p.m., $22, under 13 free, reservations required, deercreekmalt.com).
"We know how hard it can be for families to get out, especially on weekends," said owner Mark Brault.
Also Saturday, West Philly's City Tap House (39th and Walnut streets, noon-4 p.m.) will cover its terrace with a nine-hole mini golf course, supply putters, balls and scorecards and offer free rounds.
The name of the event, "Smutt Putt," has nothing to do with reading material and everything to do with the New Hampshire-brewed 30 Smuttynose beers on tap.
As if by magic, children get harder to handle after a pint or two. "When we go out, my wife and I always try to invite some neighbors or family along," said City Tap House manager Andy Farrell, a father of two. "Safety in numbers is always my key."
* Before you go: check phillybeerweek.org for event details, updates and date-night ideas.