"So what gives? Where are the photos of Lady Gaga in waders? Does George Clooney have something against tuna?" These and other scathing indictments fly in the June 14 Globe, the supermarket tab. The headline: "CELEB HEROES TURN OIL SPILL ZEROES!" The theme: The glitterati are doing zip about the oil-spill mess.

We at "SideShow" love this article. I mean, who is doing much about the slick? The folks involved in cleaning it up . . . um . . . can't. True, director James Cameron is on the scene, so at least it'll be in 3D soon, right? Kevin Costner is showing 'em how to work this big oil-sucking rig. Meantime, folks like Brangelina, Beyoncé, will.i.am, Shakira, and Sean Penn are workin' hard in Haiti, where you can do something. But someone insists on turning our thoughts to Gaga, Clooney, and tuna, and we love it. Who? Globe doesn't name her, but we will: blogger Alyssa Giacobbe.

Lay off our celeb philanthropist pals!

C'mon: Today's celebs are socially committed. Ashton "Twitterboy" Kutcher, for example, is at every other cool social-cause event you can think of. Here's an Ashton tweet Wednesday: "Meeting with the human trafficking tech task force [in Washington]. Ending slave trade on the Web." The Internet plays a big role in that trade, and it's pretty enlightened to know that and want to change it.

N.J. housewife makes instructional vid

Sex tapes are to celebrities what name cards are to businessmen: You pull one out when you want people to know you. Paris Hilton has one, Pamela Anderson has one, Kendra Baskett has one, George Lopez . . . OK, maybe not him . . . but there is even a Wikipedia page for the phrase celebrity sex tape. And now Danielle Staub of Real Housewives of New Jersey has one. Hustler says it will release it next week. Costar Jacqueline Laurita, sweet as ever, says Danielle should "go do porn." Is that kind?

The Lindsay Lohan weekly bust

Li-Lo's SCRAM monitoring bracelet, which she's forced to wear because she missed a court hearing about a DUI charge, reported "the presence of a small amount of alcohol" on Sunday, when she was at an MTV awards party, according to her lawyer, Shawn Chapman Holley. In court Wednesday, Judge Marsha Revel, who has been on Li-Lo's case, said the terms of her probation were busted and her bail was forfeit, doubling it to $200K, which Li-Lo duly paid.

We just know this can't be true

We report; you deride. On the website Wonkette, famous for being catty in a cutely vicious, unreasoning, inside-the-Beltway fashion, it is alleged, by someone named only Laura, that author, highly paid speaker, and possible presidential aspirant Sarah Palin may have had pectoral extensions. Photos before and after are offered as evidence. Fie. We find this entire subject unseemly. We share it only because we know you, too, will be repulsed. Oh, yeah, the website notes she also owns a racehorse, although . . . is there a connection? Neigh!

Natalie Z takes Norway by storm

From Norway comes news that genius lady Natalie Zemon Davis, 81, was awarded the Holberg Prize Wednesday for her work in historical narrative. Davis taught at Princeton from 1978-96 (so she counts as local!), then retired to Toronto (not so local). The prize is worth 4.5 million kroner, or about $680K. The Holberg Prize (named for this playwright dude, Ludvig Holberg) was started in 2003 by Norway's government to honor work in the humanities, social sciences, law, and theology. Give one to "SideShow"!!! Start a Facebook campaign! Davis' book Society and Culture in Early Modern France is one of her classics of history-telling.

Gosselin vid is true reality TV

That Jon Gosselin, man, he gets himself a snootful of the wild life, does he not? And a lot of it gets on video, to be shared with the world. Radar Online posted a vid of J-Goss, former reality-TV star with ex-spouse Kate Gosselin, hangin' with onetime gf Hailey Glassman in summer 2009 at St. Tropez. Spoiler alert! Reader, there is drunkenness and stonedness. We won't say whose. Hailey says (1) French folks don't know how to cut her hair because she's Jewish (we don't understand, either), and (2) French police think she's smuggling drugs in her décolletage. (She does not use that word.) This is a self-taken, largely self-narrated vid! Why document yourself getting stoned? Hi, kids - see what Daddy's up to? Ain't y'all proud?

The whole world wants more of Les

OK, we just have to say, on the MTV Movie Awards Sunday night, that dance number with Jennifer Lopez and Tom Cruise-as-Les Grossman (the gross movie producer he played in Tropic Thunder) was bizarrely funny. She was as hot as he was not. Oddly, Les can dance a little, in his arrogant-white-guy-hip-hop-freakazoid way. Now Tom C is hinting at a Les Grossman movie! "We're definitely working on it," he says. We can see it now: a dance musical with J-Lo. Lo and Les Do It Bes'!

Friends, friends, friends . . .

Gwyneth Paltrow and Madonna, longtime pals, no longer speak. Or so rumor has it. This is a long and thin story. The cause of the break (if there was one) is hard to learn. An Insider, unnamed, says the split began to splat when Madonna divorced Guy Ritchie in 2008. (Huh? Gwyn: "Oh, we're no longer both married to Brits, so I can't be your friend no more." Hello?) (Gwyn still has her Brit, Chris Martin of Coldplay.) Tsk, say the tabs, which portray both stars as fickle friends: Madonna split with bf Sandra Bernhard, and Gwyn and Winona Ryder are ex-buds. But everyone splits from old friends. Heck, "SideShow" used to date Perez Hilton's website, but she cheated on us with another column.

The kiss avoided 'round the world

We're so not getting enough clarity about that . . . yeccch . . . kiss between Jason Bateman, 41, and the pert, youthful Dustin Hoffman, 72, no, really, 72, at an NBA playoff game in L.A. last Thursday. The arena has this "kiss cam," and when J-Bate and D-Hoff got spotlit, they swapped spit. Excuse us while we hurl. But why? Why? Oh, just a goof, says Bateman, who thrills the world by reporting that Hoffman "has soft lips." Now the floodgates have been loosed. At the MTV Movie Awards, Sandra Bullock planted one on Scarlett Johansson, evidently scripted. Somehow, that one's easier to understand.

Short shrifts, quick lifts

RadarOnline says Larry King's wife, Shawn, overdosed on pills May 28. The website posts the 911 call, placed by Karl Engemann, Shawn's father. The Kings filed for divorce in April, but stopped that and have been trying to get back right. . . . Karenna, oldest daughter of Al and Tipper Gore, has separated from her husband, Andrew Schiff. The Gores recently announced their own separation, but Karenna and Andrew have been splits for a couple of months. Married in 1997, they have three children.

Contact "SideShow" at sideshow@phillynews.com. This article contains information from Inquirer wire services.