Jill Porter: Ever see a pol with his hand in his own pocket?
I SUPPOSE I don't blame Michelle Obama for being offended by the new dolls that are named after the Obama daughters, Sasha and Malia.
I SUPPOSE I don't blame
Michelle Obama for being offended by the new dolls that are named after the Obama daughters, Sasha and Malia.
The first lady thinks that the marketing of the dolls violates the protective zone of privacy that the Obamas seek for their children.
But the dolls also represent real-life role models who belong to a loving family and embody dreams that come true. Could be a good thing.
In any case, the controversy made me wonder why no one has yet produced another kind of doll, one that reflects so much of our national landscape: the Corrupt Pol Doll.
It's a natural.
Just look at the headlines this week alone: former state Sen. Vince Fumo on trial; Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich on television instead of attending his impeachment trial; Councilman Jack Kelly's former chief of staff, Christopher Wright, starting his trial; two top Luzerne County judges pleading guilty to accepting kickbacks.
I'm sure I'm overlooking someone.
Meanwhile, Harrisburg politicians are attempting to undo reforms passed in the aftermath of the pay-raise scandal, so as to facilitate the next scandal.
How can a subject like political corruption that's so ripe for exploitation have been overlooked by entrepreneurs all these years?
Why should prosecutors and news reporters be the only ones able to participate in this popular national pastime?
Clearly, a Corrupt Pol Doll and game board is needed so that everyone can join in the fun.
The dolls would be mostly white, male and middle-aged, and have their hands out, palms up. The Blagojevich version would have a thicket of black hair you could comb.
They'd all have cord-activated audio recordings that would emit various classic sound bites, such as: "I never had sex with that woman"; "Follow me around. I don't care"; "Money talks, bull---- walks."
There'd be companion dolls for sale, too - a defense attorney, wearing a suit and carrying a briefcase, whose voice activation would emit only one response: "My client is completely innocent and looks forward to being exonerated at trial."
And there'd be a sad-faced wife - to appear at news conferences with the accused - who'd have no voice at all.
The Corrupt Pol Doll would also come with outfit changes, from pinstripes to prison stripes, and ankle monitors for house arrest.
The dolls would be sold with cardboard replicas of classic settings for corrupt behavior, including brothels, hotel rooms and men's bathrooms.
Then there'd be the game-board version.
You'd have to pay to play, of course, but you could do it with Other People's Money.
The player tokens would represent one or more Corrupt Pols competing against the U.S. attorney, all of whom would proceed along the board by dice throws.
Cards that advance the action for the Corrupt Pols would include: "You've been wiretapped - go back three spaces"; "You've successfully shaken down a developer - advance 10 spaces"; "You've propositioned an undercover agent - go back six spaces"; "You have a plum job to sell - advance six spaces."
There'd be Stay Out of Jail cards, with popular excuses, such as: "It's the media's fault"; "I was on medication that made me crazy"; "It's politically motivated"; "It's a racist plot."
You can land on board spaces that direct you to: "Go on The View"; "Admit yourself to the Betty Ford clinic"; "Weep in public."
The U.S. attorney game-token follows a parallel path, with cards that say, "A whistle-blower has approached you - advance eight spaces"; "A conspirator has agreed to talk for a reduced sentence - advance 10 spaces"; "An investigative reporter has obtained grand jury testimony - go back five spaces"; "The electronic bug has been discovered and dismantled - go back six
spaces."
The Corrupt Pol wins the game if he gets to Acquittal before the U.S. attorney gets to Conviction.
If the U.S. attorney wins, he or she automatically advances to the square marked "Ascends to Higher Office."
Then he or she starts the game over as - the Corrupt Pol.
In other words, it's a game that never ends.
Makes the Sasha and Malia dolls sound good, doesn't it? *
E-mail porterj@phillynews.com or call 215-854-5850. For recent columns: