WHEN THE Democratic National Convention brings over $100 million in economic impact to the Philadelphia region in 2016, the Joneses will be ready to cash in. No, we don't own a hotel, a bar or a den of iniquity, but we do own a house in Philadelphia, and we plan to get our fair share of those millions.
To prove we're serious, I'm putting out the call right now. Our house will be available for lease during the DNC, and we'll be offering bargain-basement rates. Instead of the $10,000 per week we've heard that others might demand for the use of their homes, we'll offer more of an a la carte service. And in so doing, we'll turn the Jones manse into a specialized bed-and-breakfast.
We'll offer the kind of hospitality that's rare in the City of Brotherly Love. Instead of hitting you with the normal barrage of body blows to show our Philly affection, we will hit you with a single love tap - right in the pocket.
But don't worry, fair visitor. Your Jones experience will give you the opportunity to live in a real Philadelphia home, and we'll offer it at bargain-basement prices.
If you want to rent our home during the week of the Democratic National Convention, we'll give it to you for just $3,000. Of course, we'll need your credit card for incidentals. What are incidentals, you ask? If you turn on the TV, that's $1,000. If you open the refrigerator, that's another $1,000. Adjusting the heat? That will be $1,000. Opening the door will cost you only $500, but closing it will cost you another $500. Walking up or down stairs will cost you $3,000 per trip.
Sound great so far? Good, because the Jones bed-and-breakfast is not only about giving you options. It's about giving you beds and breakfast. There's just one catch. You've got to bring your own bed. And you have to make your own breakfast. Unless, of course, you're willing to have those listed as incidentals. If you want to sleep in our beds, for example, you can do so for only $2,500 per bed, per day, per person.
And when you leave you get to take the beds with you. Not because I'm a nice guy, but because I don't know what you're into, and I just can't chance getting back in my bed after you've been sleeping - or whatever else you've been doing - on my mattress.
Still, I want you to have a nice time while you're in town, and having a nice time involves much more than just having a place to sleep. That's why we're going to offer a number of extras in our a la carte menu of hospitality services.
Need to find your way around town? My 10-year-old son is offering rides on the electric scooter we gave him for Christmas. It's more personal than Uber, safer than a cab, plus it's eco-friendly. You can see the real Philadelphia while reducing your carbon footprint, and do so for only $100 per ride.
You want more of a high-end, chauffeur-driven experience? I'll gladly drive you around in my state-of-the-art Toyota Camry, and point out little-known Philadelphia landmarks along the way.
"To your right is 15th and South," I'll say as we tour Center City. And as you look on with awestruck glee, I'll give you the inside scoop.
"That's the corner where Cheesesteak asked Kira to be his girl and she laughed at him, prompting the first skirmish in the American Revolution."
"Excuse me, Mr. Jones, I don't think that's right."
"Shut up, you stupid tourist, and give me my $500."
Yep, the Joneses are willing to help you have a ball at the Democratic National Convention, because we're not heartless profiteers. We're a family, and we can give you the genuine Philadelphia experience - one dollar at a time.