Recently, actor Harrison Ford was in the news because he had a plane crash, which he survived with "minor trauma."

This is a news story I can't even begin to understand.

First, who walks away from a plane crash with only minor trauma?

I got minor trauma reading about the plane crash.

Second, Harrison Ford is such a skilled pilot that when his engine failed, he managed to crash his plane into a golf course, instead of somebody's house.

I'm betting he got a hole in one.

I give props to Harrison Ford.

Or maybe a propeller.

Third, he was flying a single-engine airplane, described as a "vintage plane from World War II." So many things about this sentence confuse me that I don't know where to begin.

I'm trying to understand why anybody would want to fly a single-engine plane anywhere. I like my planes to have as many engines as possible. This way, if the first five fail, the last twenty-seven won't.

That's just common sense.

You don't have to be an airplane mechanic to have that opinion, or even be good at numbers.

You just have to know that there's something about engines that makes the plane stay parallel and as long as you're parallel, you're not perpendicular.

It's geometry, only life or death.

In fact, if they asked me at the ticket counter if I wanted extra engines with that, I would answer, "yes, totally."

I wouldn't even mind if they didn't put the engine on the side, but just mixed it in with all the other engines.

Bottom line: When it comes to engines, more is better.

Remember that.

Then we come to another confusing thing about the sentence, which is the word "vintage."

To be clear, I love words, and vintage is one of my favorite.

Probably because I'm vintage myself, at 59 years old.

Then again, so is Harrison Ford. He's 72, but he's a man, so it doesn't count.

If you're a man, 90 is the new 60.

By the way, his wife is 50.

Welcome to America.

Bitterness aside, I'm fine with "vintage" when it describes wines and cars.

But not when it describes an airplane.

I'm trying to understand why anybody would want to fly a vintage airplane.

Because it was built almost 70 years ago.

Try to think of something else that was built 70 years ago that still works.

Did you get the answer yet?

Of course you didn't.

Do you know why?

The answer is nothing.

Toasters are good for six years.

Televisions are good for four.

Cellphones are good for two.

Marriages, we're talking five to seven, tops.

Just kidding.

I was talking about my marriages to Thing One and Thing Two.

Yours may last longer, depending on the mileage.

But even beyond the vintage aspect of the plane Harrison Ford was flying, I'm trying to understand why it's fun to fly around in the air, at all.

I love it here, on Earth.

Admittedly, there are things going wrong on the planet, but I generally like the way it feels underneath my feet.

Especially my bare feet.

Earth is simply the best, for foot support.

Also for jumping, running, or riding a bike.

Nothing in the air beats anything on the land, and that's why I don't get these people who want to go to Mars, either.

You may have read about them, a group of people who bought a one-way ticket to Mars, a flight that will take seven to eight months, and once they get to Mars, they will settle there, forever.

How many things are wrong with that sentence?

I stopped counting at 3,938,282,849.

Because I have better things to do.

Like walk around.

Look for Lisa Scottoline and Francesca Serritella's most recent humor collection, Have a Nice Guilt Trip, in stores now. Also in stores, look for Lisa Scottoline's most recent novel, Betrayed. Coming April 14: Lisa's new book, Every Fifteen Minutes.