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Solomon Jones: 'Fantastic Four' gave me a fantastic, but expensive, nap

IT COSTS TOO much to go to the movies. If I wasn't sure of that before, I'm quite certain now because, on Saturday, for the first time in my life, I went to sleep in a movie theater.

IT COSTS TOO much to go to the movies. If I wasn't sure of that before, I'm quite certain now because, on Saturday, for the first time in my life, I went to sleep in a movie theater.

It wasn't even like I spent as much as I usually do. The $37.50 price tag for four people was fairly reasonable. And because I didn't follow my normal routine and sneak in dollar-store candy, the snacks we bought cost only about $14.

For those of you wondering why the snacks didn't require us to fork over an arm or a leg, I'll tell you our secret. We limited ourselves to one serving each of nachos and popcorn. Then we smuggled in water to avoid the cost of soda - a price that in most cases is equivalent to a monthly mortgage.

But it's not even about the cost of the tickets and snacks anymore. If it were just that, maybe I could deal with it. But as a man who likes to take his children to see family friendly films, I am stuck between a rock and a bigger rock, because today's family films are awful. And when I say awful I don't mean run-of-the-mill bad. I mean god-awful.

Most are like a cross between 1950s B-movies with guys in rubber monster suits and 1970s blaxploitation flicks such as "Scream Blacula Scream."

Don't get me wrong. I've watched my share of movies featuring vampires in dollar-store fangs. But if you want me to plunk down $40 to $60 for the movie-theater experience, the least you can do is give me a movie that keeps me awake. Far too often, that's not the case.

More and more, I'm learning that so-called family films are scraped from the bottom of Hollywood's barrel. They typically star actors so bad they could be the director's cousin's brother-in-law from 25th Street. Perhaps worse, they often feature dialogue by pseudo 17-year-olds who can't decide if they're screenwriters or gangsta rappers.

I began to notice the latter trend a few years back, when I took my kids to one of the "Transformers" movies and realized that the robots were cursing. Really? Cursing robots in a movie based on toys from the '80s?

Perhaps if the language was needed to make a strong point, I could handle it. But this seemed to be gratuitous profanity designed to get the film its desired PG-13 rating. Because after all, why make a family film that's actually suitable for kids? In the words of my grandmother, that would be too much like right.

The "Transformers" debacle was just the beginning. A couple of months back, I took my family to see "Pitch Perfect 2." It was supposed to be a film about an a cappella singing group. You can imagine my confusion when the opening scene featured a wardrobe malfunction centering on something only a husband or gynecologist should see.

Then there was the film we saw Saturday.

Now, I don't claim to be a film critic or a movie connoisseur. However, if I'm going to plunk down my hard-earned money to see a movie, it should at least keep me awake.

That didn't happen with "Fantastic 4," and it should have, because when it comes to TV and movies, I am a Grade-A nerd. I've binge-watched three "Star Trek" series. I'm champing at the bit for the new "Star Wars." But the new "Fantastic 4" was so science-heavy I felt like I should've gotten a grade.

Perhaps it was the profanity that was squeezed into awkward moments, or the feeling that I was unqualified to watch it without a lab coat. Whatever the case, I went to sleep after Act 2. Thankfully, when I awakened, it was almost over.

Now, nearly 50 bucks later, I've realized something about Hollywood: They're saving their best for people without children, so when it comes to Hollywood, maybe parents should save something, too.

I say we start with our money.