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Deal-breakers, smeal-breakers

I can’t say I love The Millionaire Matchmaker Patti Stanger’s advice on everything, but once in a while she shares a nugget of information that I can stand behind. This time it has to do with non-negotiables and deal-breakers.

I can't say I love The Millionaire Matchmaker Patti Stanger's advice on everything, but once in a while she shares a nugget of information that I can stand behind.  This time it has to do with non-negotiables and deal-breakers.  Patti tells her clients to limit their non-negotiables to five things that they either can't live with or can't live without.  I don't know if five is the magic number, or if there is a magic number at all, but having a long laundry list of a dozen "must haves" will inevitably doom your search for Mr. or Ms. Perfect.  In reality, no one is perfect, so it's important to know what you can bend on.

Being an online dating consultant and dating coach, I hear them all: I don't want a guy under 5'11.  She must weigh less than 120 pounds.  If he owns a cat, forget about it.  If she likes to play board games, she must be a nerd.  He puts Splenda in his coffee – that's so girly.  She's never been outside the U.S., so she must not have a clue about other cultures.  I can't go out with him if he has the dry cleaner crease in his shirt.  She's older than I am – it's just a month, but I can't date an older woman.  He does this weird thing where he wiggles one ear when he's nervous.  The list goes on and on.

What's really important in life?  Some common non-negotiables are intelligence, religion, children, and smoking/drugs.  For example, I always knew that I wanted my partner to be smart – really smart.  Now, I'm no Einstein or anything, but I'd dated people who weren't as intellectually stimulating as I had wanted, and it bothered me.  (I also have major grammar pet peeves, so I admittedly judged potential partners by their "your" usage.)  Nothing else seemed as important except for some age boundaries and physical attraction.  And the latter one is so hard to know until you meet in person.

Once you get into a relationship, people seem to have a whole other list of deal-breakers.  Sure, this person has passed the non-negotiable test, but now he or she does something that drives you so crazy that you're not sure you can live with it.  A common one is when guys leave the toilet seat up.  Is it gross?  Yes.  Is it annoying?  Double yes.  But is it a deal-breaker?  I had to laugh when a friend of mine wrote to me once, "Oh, and get used to having the toilet seat left up (lol!).  I know many girls complain about it, but it really doesn't bug me.  I think guys are just programmed to do it without even thinking."  (And this is actually one that can be fixed, given enough time. ;))  With the right person, even a simple, "Sweetie, it bothers me a little when you [insert annoying habit here]," might do the trick.

In the end, what's most important is how someone treats you.  Is he or she kind, generous, and giving?  How about trustworthy and honest?  That's what matters in life.  Beyond that, try to throw caution to the wind.  Maybe he'll be 5'7, maybe she'll be older than you are, and maybe he won't know to put the seat down, but you'll be happy.