Martha Stewart: Your wedding: Who and how to invite, and how to treat them

Q: How do we decide which guests get to bring a date to the wedding and which don't?

A: Modern etiquette says that once people have publicly declared their social status - by marrying, getting engaged or moving in together - they should be invited as a unit. So, go ahead and include spouses, fiances and live-in partners on your invitations. It gets a little tricky, though, when you're dealing with longtime couples who don't cohabitate, especially if you're not good friends with both people. One option is setting a no-exceptions cutoff: If a couple has been dating less than a year, only the partner you're close to is invited, for example. Just explain that your numbers are limited, and your friends won't take this personally.

Q: I'm giving welcome bags to out-of-town guests, but some aren't staying at the hotel where we've blocked off rooms. Do I also need to give them presents?

A: You don't need to run all over town delivering gifts. This sort of personalized attention is one of the perks that guests sacrifice when they find their own lodging. But if several people are staying in the same place and you only have to make one additional trip, drop off goodies for them, too. If you're determined to do something to greet everyone who traveled, no matter where they're staying, make it easy on yourself. Skip perishable items that require any day-of prep work and drop off packets of maps, lists of activities and handwritten notes to the different locations instead.

Q: We'd like a small wedding with just close family, followed by a big celebration with everyone else. But I don't want people to be offended. How do I word my invitations?

A: It's perfectly OK - and relatively common - to invite some people only to the party. As far as the invitations go, everything, including the save-the-date and response cards, should be focused on the reception. The ceremony shouldn't even be mentioned, so steer clear of ambiguous expressions like "the marriage celebration" or "celebrate our wedding."

To invite a select few to your vow exchange, include an extra slip in their invitations. Phrase it something like, "The honor of your presence is requested at our marriage ceremony." Include the date, time and location, and don't worry about a reply card for this event. It's important to tell these guests that the ceremony will be very small, because you don't want them gushing about it in front of noninvitees. And if any reception-only guests ask you why they weren't invited, explain that it's for immediate family only.

Q: My friend assumes that she's going to be one of my bridesmaids because I was one of hers, but I wasn't planning on asking her. My fiance and I have already chosen three people each, and we want the parties to be even. How do I let her know?

A: First off, you're not obligated to ask friends whose weddings you've been in to play a role in yours. To be fair, give her a heads-up as soon as possible. Warmly express regret, and tell her the decision was hard to make; then emphasize how glad you are that she'll be there. You can also find something else for her to do at your ceremony, or invite her to spend time with you on the morning of the big day.

Q: We're having a cocktail-style reception. What kind of seating do I need?

A: To encourage mingling, cocktail parties should have fewer seats than there are guests. He suggests providing chairs for approximately 50 percent of your total guest count. But when it comes to setting up your seating, the options are endless.

Start with a mix of tall and short tables that are no wider than 36 inches. They won't have full place settings, so if you go much larger, they'll look unfinished. Place the taller tables next to architectural elements (like columns) to anchor them, and set the short ones by the dance floor, so wallflowers will feel like part of the action. Then create some areas for lounging with couches and ottomans. Robbins also suggests including a few larger tables with eight seats so that older folks have a place to sit and chat, and the bridal party has a base camp.

Finally, since the objective of this type of reception is for people to get up and mill around, set up food stations or activities, like a photo booth, along the room's perimeter.