Each week, Zoo With Roy writes a guest column on Philly.com. Today, a look at the some Phillies players you may not know yet.
Hey there kids. As the Phillies plow through spring training, you may be coming across some unfamiliar names in the box scores or recaps put together by my esteemed colleagues in major market professional journalism (Seriously... Ryan Lawrence has a master's degree in journalism from the Medill School at Northwestern; do you know how legit that is? Step up your game, Murphy).
Well good news! I'm here to profile some of the higher jersey numbers on the field so we can all pay them the appreciation they deserve. After all, no pro ball player wants to hear, "Hey number 83 -- you suck!"
So let's get personal, shall we?
Justin De Fratus (#79, pitcher)
One of the Phillies' top prospects, De Fratus was born in 1987. So if my math is correct, that makes him just under 16 years old, which should put a fresh perspective on just how little you've accomplished in life. In all honesty, DeFratus shouldn't even be on this list considering he's probably going to be the centerpiece of our Mike Stanton acquisition, but mostly I just wanted an excuse to post this picture:
Left to right: Justin DeFratus, ZWR super fan Liza (wearing some fine threads), and Liza's dad
Ethan Martin (#70, pitcher)
Martin came over from the Dodgers in the Shane Victorino deal. His middle name is Cash. Like, his parents were all, "John?" "Nah". "Matthew?" "Nope." "William?" "Just doesn't feel right." "HONEY--I've got it! Cash." "Lock it down." "Boomshakalaka." Based on this imagined scenario alone, Ruben Amaro is already talking big time extension with Martin's agent.
Justin Friend (#77, pitcher)
It's probably never good news for your big league ambitions when they give you Demetress Bell's number, but we'll stay focused on the facts. Friend has been a career minor league reliever, which is also never really a great thing. More importantly, Friend has been working with Phoenixville's own, former major leaguer-turned-screenwriter John Smiley on an independent buddy cop film titled "Have a Nice Day."
Mauricio "Shogun" Robles (#67, pitcher)
Okay, the gig is up. I know absolutely nothing about Mauricio Robles that Google can't tell you in under six seconds. However, he looks like the love child of Carlos Ruiz and Vicente Padilla!
Kyle Simon (#75)
Besides being exceptionally tall, the side-arming, recently acquired right-hander is also the first the first enrollee to the Jon Dorenbos School of Locker Room Mystique. Here he is levitating a baseball with the power of his sideburn/mustache combination. This is what domination looks like:
Sebastian Valle (#62, catcher)
Oh, huh. I totally expected him to be a French guy, or a Jamaican crab. Write this down: "not French." Also write this down: "Darling it's better down where it's wetter, take it from me." Just kidding on the last part, hopefully you didn't actually write any of that. If you did, might I invite you to "Like" me on Facebook?
Cesar Hernandez (#74, baseball player)
Hernandez posted a .304/.345/.436/.781 line at Reading last year before moving up to Lehigh Valley and being way less good. I have never seen him field a ball in my life but I imagine he's spectacular with the glove and has a ton of range. This guy was born in 1990, so you really should hate yourself now, oldhead.
Zach Miner (#60, pitcher)
The 30-year-old Miner hasn't pitched in the majors since 2009 and his ERA this spring is currently 9.00, but that should stop the most optimistic among you from drawing comparisons to left-handed basketball sensation Harold Miner, who single-handedly revolutionized the position of shooting guard in the NBA and carried the Miami Heat to six titles during his iconic career. Wait, no. Scratch that, I'm not sure any of that was correct. Miner has faced Raul Ibanez five times in his career and has only surrendered one home run.
Michael Young (#10, designated hitter)
Getting his first crack at the majors at the age of 36 must feel great for him. I caught up with Michael recently and was able to ask him--LOL just kidding Michael Young is the third basemen that we acquired from the Texas Rangers and he'll earn many multiples of your lifetime salary this season.
Ender Inciarte (#43, Outfielder)
The Phillies got Inciarte in the Rule 5 draft from Arizona. You know what this means- your optimistic friends will be all, "dude he could be the next Shane Victorino or Dave Hollins!" and your pessimistic buds will be all, "oh great he's another Michael Martinez" and your mediocre, hardly-spectacular friends will be all, "we got Endy Chavez back?" Our scouts indicate Inciarte weighs 160 pounds. You know what that means-- needs more FLANK STEAK.
His first name sounds like an English person or a Celtics fan saying, "Enda", so there's that as well.
Zach Collier (#80, Wide Receiver)
Wait-- two Zachs? SMDH. ANYWAY, Collier was originally a Florida State commitment, but a late full-court press just before signing day was exactly the ticket that David Montgomery, Ruben Amaro, Scott Proefrock and company needed to coax the wirey flanker away from the resurgent Noles. WAR DAMN EAGLE.
None of this was true, but Zach Collier is basically the new Dom Brown. Don't take my word for it:
Awww man! Even Google can't spell it right.
Raul Valdes (#46, Pitcher)
Never heard of him, but he was born in 1977! You're not a total loser who is getting lapped in life by the younger generation. Congrats! Treat yourself to a Qdoba burrito bowl with 'mole and verde (go nuts!).
Note: David Murphy here. You can find me on Twitter at @highcheese. I didn't go to Medill or anything, but even I know that Raul Valdes pitched in 27 games for the Phillies in 2012. What exactly is this, anyway? This article is riddled with factual inaccuracies and OH MY GOD IS THAT A PICTURE OF HAROLD MINER. BAHAHA, LOVE IT. Approval to post. Deuces. - Cheese
Tyson Gillies (#64, Outfielder)
Tyson Gillies inherited from his mother every trait, except the stray inexpressible few, that made him worth while. His father, an ineffectual, inarticulate man with a taste for Byron and a habit of drowsing over the Encyclopædia Britannica, grew wealthy at thirty through the death of two elder brothers, successful Chicago brokers, and in the first flush of feeling that the world was his, went to Bar Harbor and met Beatrice O'Hara.