Putting JoePa on a silver screen

To: Ford, Bob; Sheridan, Phil

From: McLane, Jeff

Subject: JoePa: The Movie

To pass the time, some of the Penn State reporters and I like to engage in a little game we might call, "Casting the Joe Paterno story."

To bring this home, for example, if we were casting an untitled Andy Reid film, the likely actor to play Big Red would have to be John Goodman. Ludacris would play Donovan McNabb. I think it's obvious Steve Buscemi would do a perfect Joe Banner impersonation. Lorne Michaels would take a hiatus from SNL to play Jeffrey Lurie. And Brad Pitt and George Clooney would star as probing columnists Bob Ford and Phil Sheridan.

See how much fun this is? Peter Falk always seemed destined to play JoePa, but he apparently has Alzheimer's. And, no, Ford, that doesn't make him suitable to play the current Paterno. The ideal choice to play Joe usually comes down to Al Pacino or Robert De Niro.

So who is it and what studio do you think will purchase my screenplay?

To: McLane, Jeff; Ford, Bob

From: Sheridan Phil

Subject: JoePa: The Movie

I nominate Paul Sorvino to play Joe, but I won't make the easy joke and suggest his daughter Mira could play Jay Paterno. Sorvino might have to do a reverse De Niro and drop a couple pounds, but he has the range and he hates the media, so it's a perfect fit.

If the Nits win the Rose Bowl, Graham Spanier could be played by the guy who was the Evil Emperor in the

Star Wars

films. If the Nits lose, Spanier's role changes and he gets played by Clint Eastwood on horseback.

And you'll have no problem selling the screenplay. Just have E call Ari and set up a meeting.

To: McLane Jeff; Sheridan, Phil

From: Ford, Bob

Subject: JoePa: The Movie

Man, when is Gonzo coming back?

I think Keith Richards should play Joe. Take out the earrings and remove the head scarf and he's perfect.

To: Ford, Bob; Sheridan, Phil

From: McLane, Jeff

Subject: JoePa: The Movie

I'm glad it took my annoying you, Bob, to make you realize your Bromance with Gonzo. Your choice of Keith Richards makes me think that Johnny Depp may be able to pull off the JoePa thing since he ripped off the cooler Glimmer Twin with his

Pirates of the Carribean

Captain Jack character.

Paulie could do it, but I'm thinking Reds-era Sorvino instead of the

GoodFellas

era. Phil, though, nailed it with the Emperor as Spanier. Graham is still looking for a new Sith Lord.

To: McLane, Jeff; Ford, Bob

From: Sheridan Phil

Subject: JoePa: The Movie

Gonzo's coming back?

To: McLane Jeff; Sheridan, Phil

From: Ford, Bob

Subject: JoePa: The Movie

Gosh, I hope so.

To: Ford, Bob; Sheridan, Phil

From: McLane, Jeff

Subject: JoePa: The Movie

Geez, you tell a guy he looks like Brad Pitt . . . By the way, I want to be referred to as Jeffo from here on out.

To: McLane Jeff; Sheridan, Phil

From: Ford, Bob

Subject: JoePa: The Movie

Who plays you, McLane?

To: Ford, Bob; Sheridan, Phil

From: McLane, Jeff

Subject: JoePa: The Movie

Jeffo plays himself. I'm staying in L.A., hiring an agent and pursuing ACTING!

To: McLane, Jeff; Ford, Bob

From: Sheridan Phil

Subject: JoePa: The Movie

Your first role: Write a flipping gamer on the Rose Bowl, pal.