What are men to do now that Pat Burrell is coming back to town?
Hide your women.
At least that's the advice of a public-service announcement - a spoof and a decidedly adult one, at that - now making the rounds on the Internet.
Put together by the local comedy sketch group Bird Text, the three-minute video is timed to coincide with Burrell's return to Philadelphia on Saturday to retire as a Phillie.
The video plays off Burrell's reputation as a ladies' man (he was known as Pat the Bat for more than his slugging prowess) to evoke a sense of dread - in men, at least - over the outfielder's brief return to the team for which he played nine seasons.
It shows one man after another, including a father and son, lamenting how they lost their girlfriends and wives to Burrell, as a karaoke version of Sarah McLachlan's "In the Arms of an Angel" - now transformed into "In the Arms of Pat Burrell" - plays mournfully in the background.
It ends with Some Hot Girl, as she identifies herself, offering this advice:
"On May 19, Pat Burrell returns to Philadelphia for 24 hours to retire as a Phillie. So if you have a wife, a daughter, a sister, a girlfriend, take her to the zoo, take her shopping - take her to Delaware - just take her out of Philadelphia on May 19."
"I had always heard stories about Pat Burrell," said John McKeever, the Bird Text comedian who conceived the project.
He said he had thought of doing the spoof for some time, but the announcement last month of Burrell's intention to retire as a Phillie spurred him on.
McKeever said it took him, his Bird Text cohorts, some fellow comedians, and model Erica Hoffmaster four days to shoot the video in different parts of the city.
So far it has been viewed more than 160,000 times on YouTube.
McKeever, who grew up in Northeast Philadelphia, wrote the script with Bird Texters Tommy Pope, Luke Cunningham, and Darryl Charles, and their comic collaborator Chip Chantry.
He said the group (www.birdtext.com) does not make money off its videos - there were about 10 others before the The Return of Pat Burrell - but uses them to generate attention. And laughs, of course.
Warning: Video contains content intended for adult audiences only. Click here to view.