Reality is

hard

- and reality TV is even worse. That's why

Susan Boyle

, the just-folks Scottish lady whose sweet voice rocketed her to world fame, is now in the hospital. Reality shows reward the talentless and humiliate the gifted. They make us love somebody and then heap that somebody with old squirrel bits, papaya rinds and fish wrappers. For as Ecclesiastes says, "The race is not to the swift nor the battle to the strong." It sure wasn't on Saturday, when Boyle, 47, was beaten in the finals of

Britain's Got Talent

, a reality show on U.K. channel ITV. Who beat her? Some dance company called

Diversity

, which polled 24.9 percent of voters at home to Boyle's 20.2 percent. On Sunday night, she was taken under police escort from a London hotel to a private clinic. A Scotland Yard spokespiece said that "police were called to doctors assessing a woman under the Mental Health Act." No word on her condition.

MTV Awards goes back-to-front

It's not your mama's music awards show! The

MTV Movie Awards

Sunday night had a lot going on. Most talked-about was

Sacha Baron Cohen

, who, attired as gay Austrian entertainment reporter

Bruno

, swung in on a wire and landed with his, um, unprepossessing posterior in the face of rapper

Eminem

, sitting nicely in his chair in the audience. Eminem stormed out. Meanwhile, there were also actual awards.

Twilight

earned five Golden Popcorn Awards: best kiss (no, really), best fight (no, really), breakthrough performance (meaning what?) for

Robert Pattinson

, and best female perf for

Kristen Stewart

. She promptly showed her appreciation by dropping the statuette. Oh, yeah, and

Twilight

won best movie. That made

Twilight

the most-honored flick.

High School Musical 3: Senior Year

won awards for the artistic prowess of stars

Ashley Tisdale

and

Zac Efron

.

Amy Poehler

won an award (no, we're serious) for the scene in which she uses a sink as a comfort station in

Baby Mama

. (Well-deserved!) Other awards went to the late

Heath Ledger

(best villain as the Joker in

The Dark Knight

),

Jim Carrey

for best comic performance in

Yes Man

, and

Miley Cyrus

for best song, "The Climb," from

Hannah Montana: The Movie

.

Conan's big night

Conan O'Brien

made his debut as

Tonight's

host last night, but he and NBC tamped down expectations, declining to let reporters see the show in advance of its East Coast airing. "I'm not going to cure cancer on the first show, and I'm not going to jump Snake River Canyon," he said. ". . . Sometimes people forget this is the first show of what I hope will be many, many, many shows."

Will Ferrell

, who made several memorable visits to O'Brien's previous gig,

Late Night

, was to be the first guest of the new era, with

Pearl Jam

the musical act.

Jennifer Hudson is, too, preggers . . .

OK, we can say it now: Grammy/Oscar winner

Jennifer Hudson

is

enceinte

, in the family way, expecting, gravid . . . she's gonna have a baby! We at "SideShow"

knew

. Essence mag called it back in April. Along with the rest of the known world. But this week, Hudson confidante

Felicia Fields

blah-blah-blah'd to the Chicago Tribune all about it: JH is with child by her fiancé,

David Otunga

. (He is often given the odd descriptor of "former reality-show star hoping to become a pro wrestler." Anything in a recession, right?) A sweet, swell shower was showered for her in Chicago on Saturday. The child's gender is unknown, but evidently the couple has agreed on a wedding date, also not made public, although, you know, it might be within the next two months. We hear folks still do that.

. . . but Nicole isn't adopting

Australia's New Idea magazine got started this idea that

Nicole Kidman

and husband

Keith Urban

are planning to adopt a baby from Vietnam. That would have put her in a real race with

Madonna

and

Angelina Jolie

, who adopt from all over the place. Except it's all, like,

so

not true. Kidman is fine with having three offspring for now. Rep

Catherine Olim

told E! News that "the report is not true. We have no idea who started the rumor [Catherine, didn't you read the top of this item?], but it's fabricated."

No Depp is an island . . . except Johnny

Is there a God? Yes, and She has smiled on

Johnny Depp

, profiled in the July Vanity Fair. He strolls around his li'l 45-acre island in the Bahamas, named Little Hall's Pond Cay, and says things like "escapism is survival to me" and "I look forward to my kids growing up on the island . . . learning about sea life and how to protect sea life." Best of all, he tells us that "money doesn't buy you happiness. But it buys you a big enough yacht to sail right up to it." Well, yuh! Depp has even named some of the beaches on the island: one for his girlie-squeeze

Vanessa Paradis

, one each for children

Rose

and

Jack

, and one apiece for

Hunter S. Thompson

and

Marlon Brando

. There's also a body of water dubbed Heath's Place, for

Heath Ledger

.

Paris Hilton and the feminine mistake

Paris Hilton

says her unreality show,

My New BFF

, is, like, a truly super-feminist statement. "This season I made it like a sorority. It's about sisterhood," said the women's-rights campaigner, recording star, and person famous for being famous. Season 2, and it's amazing there even

is

a Season 2, premieres tonight on MTV. Does such philosophizing sound totally un-Paris? You

so

do not know me, the deep celeb deb tells E! Online: "In real life, I'm not that superficial." She says she wants to use the show to find her true soul sistah, "someone who's more interested in having fun and being real and being trustworthy." More interested than in what else? She doesn't say. Know what she just can

not

stand? Girls who want to be in the Entertainment Industry! (And she should know!) "I think that when someone wants that, they are just kind of using you to, like, make themselves have a career." Who'd want to be like that?

Ewwww

.

Pink coming to Philly

Pink

(or, if you like,

P!nk

) is returning to her home haunts. The Doylestown-born warbler will be at the Wachovia Center on Saturday, Oct. 3. Yesterday, she announced her Funhouse Tour is coming to Philly as part of a U.S. leg. She's been having a whale of a world tour, selling out Australia, for example. This'll be her first U.S. tour since 2006. The Ting Tings will open. Tickets on sale Friday at noon at ComcastTIX (comcastTIX.com, 1-800-298-4200) or the Wachovia Complex Box Office.

Dots and dishes

Remember those photos of

Barack Obama

on the beach without a shirt? Well,

Vice President Biden

was photographed at a New Jersey beach over the weekend and the effect was . . . well . . . not the same. He had his shirt off, but there the similarity ended.

This column contains information from Inquirer wire services.