Well, that sets that to rest, don't it?

Don't it?

Oprah Winfrey has informed Barbara Walters that she, O, is not a lesbian. Put that in your smoke and pipe it.

See, Oprah has a best bud, and business partner, and camping sidekick, Gayle King, and the nasty, catty celeb world, with all sorts of wink-wink-nudge-nudge talk, thinks they're a couple. They figure you could never have someone around that much and not be, well, you know. Stedman Graham, a man, is also around O a lot, but folks think he's just a front, a mask, a beard. Others suggest that O's 1970s affair with John Tesh is the cause of it all. That's a terrible thing to say, and we will not have it.

On an ABC special titled Oprah: The Next Chapter, to air Thursday night, O tells Babs, "I'm not a lesbian. . . . I'm not even kind of a lesbian." She weeps as she recounts her 30 years of friendshipdom with King. Meantime, she calls Stedman "the love . . . the lover . . . the man . . . the partner . . . the mate." No marriage plans, though. When she ends her broadcast show in May, she's moving from sweet home Chicago to an estate in Santa Barbara, Calif.

Or maybe Sarah Palin's VP?

Speaking of rich people, Donald Trump, who has risen above the physical handicap of his oddly orange bouffant, tells Extra he may run for president. "Our country is being ridiculed all over the world," he says. And he wants to keep it that way!

Lizard King to be exonerated?!

Righting a longtime wrong, Florida's Executive Clemency Board looks set to pardon Jim Morrison of the Doors posthumously for a sketchy 1969 indecent exposure felony conviction. Outgoing Gov. Charlie Crist thinks it's in the bag. The board votes on Thursday. Morrison, who never served time for the rap, died in 1971.

'Steel on Wheels' rolls into Philly

MSNBC's Dylan Ratigan will bring his show to Philly Dec. 16. It's part of a road show, sponsored by steel company Nucor, called "Steel on Wheels." Ratigan, whose TV show is telecast at 4 p.m. weekdays, will make Philly the second stop of the first leg of the tour, with the theme of "The Spirit of America."

Raise the roof for the raisers

Online charity site Charity Folks says Fox News guy Glenn Beck raised the most for charity this year, more than $1 mil for the Special Operations Warrior Foundation. Other good raisers include Lady Gaga, the Jonas Brothers, Billy Baldwin, Graydon Carter, and (they're everywhere!) the Glee cast.

Can she get any lower?

Honor to the Associated Press, which wrote this lead sentence:

"LOS ANGELES - You know it's New Year's Eve when the Snooki drops, or at least you will this year."

As part of this year's MTV New Year's Bash, airing Dec. 31 from 11 p.m. 2010 to midnight 2011, MTV is going to stick Jersey Shore's Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi in a ball . . . and lower her over Times Square. Other Shoreians will lead the crowd in a mass fist pump to seek a Guinness record. (For pumping body parts while a Snooki is lowered over Manhattan?) Whitney Cummings hosts the show, which will feature a set by Flo Rida.

Boyle's a beast on Billboard

Get out of here with your bad self, Susan Boyle! Your album The Gift went from 3 back to 1 on the Billboard list with 242,000 units sold. This, of course, humiliates Taylor Swift, at 2 with Speak Now (182K) and Jackie Evancho, whose O Holy Night is at 3 with 145K. The rest of the top 10: (4) Glee: The Music, The Christmas Album, 129K; (5) Glee: The Music, Volume 4, debuting with 128K; (6) The Beginning, by Black Eyed Peas, debuting with 119K; (7) My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy, by Kanye West, plummeting with 108K; (8) Pink Friday, by Nicki Minaj, 103K; (9) Illuminations, by Josh Groban, 78K; and (10) Loud, by Rihanna, 77K. The top digital tune is Katy Perry's "Firework."

Attack of the small items

The Rev. Jesse Jackson says Aretha Franklin is on the mend after her recent surgery. Family members for the most part are either refusing to comment on or are disputing reports that she is suffering from pancreatic cancer. . . . Us mag announces it gets us "INSIDE KATE'S NEW LIFE," meaning Kate Middleton, fiancee of Prince William of England. Instead, we get a discussion of how she lost her "puppy fat." Not a medical term known to us. . . . Drea de Matteo (The Sopranos) is pregnant, blabs Unnamed Friend to Life & Style. It will be her second babe by fiance Shooter Jennings, joining daughter Alabama Gypsyrose. . . . Disney alumna Demi Lovato (Camp Rock) is in rehab in Illinois, and Alex Welch, a dancer who claims Demi messed her up in a fight, says she may sue. Donald Karpel, Welch's lawyer, says he's in talks with Lovato's people. Lovato is mum, and the whole thing remains a big mystery. . . . We regret to inform you that on Tuesday's Tonight show, host Jay Leno was kissed on the lips by the impossibly beautiful, stupendously profiled, sweetly scented Helen Mirren. She up and mouthed Jay, yes, she did. Grief counseling is available. . . . Singer Ke$ha has lined up in support of 1 for All, an educational campaign about the First Amendment. . . . Men's Health mag declares Rachel Nichols (Criminal Minds) the World's Most Interesting Woman for 2010, and offers a photo spread as proof. . . . James Franco, hotter than a rattlesnake in a wheel rut, not only will host the Oscars with fellow genius Anne Hathaway, but also will reprise his role as a sociopathic killer on General Hospital, for a two-episode stint the day before and the day after Oscar. . . . Bret Michaels tells Extra he'll have heart surgery in January. . . . Put down those credit cards! Devon James, a pornstress hawking a tape online claimed to show her in promising positions with Tiger Woods, has pulled the vid off the market. She tells RadarOnline Tiger paid her to stop selling it. . . . Salma Hayek is splashed all over the cover of the Spanish edish of V magazine. Inside, she reveals she was an illegal immigrant in L.A. in the '90s. . . . Whereas Randy and Evi Quaid specialize in moving in to other people's houses, Jordan Bratman, future ex of Christina Aguilera, won't move out of their L.A. house while divorce proceedings are proceeding. Unnamed Source tells Radar Online Christina and son Max sometimes "need a place to stay." Unnamed says Christina sought the split. . . . Imagine all the people living life in peace. . . .

This article contains information from Inquirer wire services and websites. Contact "SideShow" at sideshow@phillynews.com.