Is it too late for us?
We've been through some tough times together, haven't we? Draft day was ugly. So was the Super Bowl. Then there's your addiction - that thing you can't give up that makes us so damn angry with you all the time. Lord, what is it called again?
Oh, right. Your "career."
Forget it. It's all water under the Whitman. You're a different person now. It's so obvious.
Over the past four games going back to last year, you've looked like the man we always hoped you'd be, completing 65 percent of your passes and throwing for more than 1,000 yards. And the touchdowns - eight of them? Wow. Nothing gets us hot like an end zone romp.
Andy Reid probably doesn't think you should take us back, even though we gushed about how you clobbered the Rams. He's just looking out for you. He knows how hurtful and insensitive we've been at times.
"If you aren't tough mentally, you never get back to where he is right now," Reid said about you recently. "He pushed through it, he pushed through the criticism, he pushed through the soreness in his leg and all those things to get back and be able to function at this level."
Don . . . can we call you Don? When Andy calls you Don, it sounds so chummy, like the two of you hold hands and skip along Kelly Drive after practice.
Actually, yeah, check that. Maybe we should take this slow. We'll just call you Donovan for now.
Donovan, you're not the only one who's different. We've changed, too. Sure, we've been flirting with DeSean Jackson, but he's so inexperienced. We know you're the only one who can give us what we really want - that dream vacation to Tampa on Feb. 1, followed by a nice stroll down Broad Street a few days later.
Things could be good again, Donovan. You just have to trust us. And we know what you're thinking. You're still mad about those affairs with A.J. and Jeff, right? Well, don't worry. It'll never happen again.
You're the only one for us. Promise.
P.S.: Don't blow it against the Cowboys. Kevin Kolb has been hitting our cell nonstop.
Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!
We did not smile or rejoice when Patriots quarterback Tom Brady suffered his season-ending injury. We did not high-five or hug or let loose a throaty huzzah. Contrary to popular perception, Philly doesn't cheer injuries. It's bad form.
No, like the rest of the country, we wept. Because Brady is obviously a very important man. So important that all week long - on television and the radio, in locker rooms and press boxes - the bereavement has continued unabated. The sorrow runs so deep, I expected them to cancel the season and the Super Bowl - but no, Brady must want us to soldier on without him.
Tom Brady is so brave that way.
Scores of other players were hurt during opening weekend. Cowboys running back Marion Barber cracked his ribs, and Seahawks receiver Nate Burleson was also lost for the season after tearing ligaments in his knee. Despite being in (I'm guessing) horrible pain, Burleson did not turn on the TV this week and find Brett Favre and Tony Romo and other NFL notables commenting about how he'll be truly missed.
There's a reason for that. Burleson is not Brady. He is not special in any way; Brady is special in every way.
And so we mourn.
"It's a shame," Andy Reid said, voicing what we've all been thinking around here. Can't Boston catch a break? Those people are so unlucky. Nothing ever goes their way. Etc. "It's not an easy thing for the team or the player. But it allows the backup quarterback to play, and normally the guys around them step up and take their game to another level."
Exactly! Cheer up, Pats fans. Don't be so glum. This is actually a good thing. Brady gets a little rest (and more time with Gisele, which is a very good thing), and Matt Cassel gets to put down the clipboard and pick up his helmet.
Think of Cassel as the kid in Little League who never saw the field - the one with the corrective shoes and the JoePa magnifying glasses on his face. Don't you want everyone to play? Of course you do. Then we can all go for ice cream after the game.
Still, people probably question our sincerity in Philly, so I'd like to offer further proof that we're every bit as distraught about Brady's injury as New England. Here's an e-mail exchange I had with my buddy Flan - a loyal Patriots fan living in Boston - after Brady was injured Sunday.
Me: Is Brady out for the season? What's the prognosis?
Flan: Torn ACL. Done.
Me: Holy $#%*. That really &$%#. I took Moss in my fantasy draft.
See? We are not without empathy here in Philadelphia.
Congrats to Mo Cheeks on the contract extension. Perhaps, with some of his new money, he can move into bigger digs. According to the Wall Street Journal (via our good friends at The700Level.com), Allen Iverson's home here is now going for $2.3 million less than the initial asking price. That's a steal, Mo. . . . Brett Myers throws today, and, given the other options in the Phillies rotation, you have to be happy about that. Which is truly stunning. Just two months ago, happiness was knowing Myers was stuck in the minors. . . . Happy birthday, Mom.