It's the last Thursday before Christmas, and that means it's time again for those wildly popular Morning Bytes Christmas Carol parodies:
(Sung to the tune of "Blue Christmas")
I've got a blue message to send you
Don't really care if it will offend you.
Declaration obscene, on a day so pristine.
Next parade, I'll cut down on caffeine.
I've got a blue message to send you
Don't really care if it will offend you.
Yes, your hearing was right. No, I won't be contrite.
I've got a blue bleeping message to send you.
("The Christmas Song")
Hip bones mending as the Rose Bowl nears.
Spanier urging me to go.
Hey, I've been here nearly 60 years.
It ain't so easy losing Joe.
Everybody knows a walker and a metal cane
Couldn't make me quit the fight.
Tiny minds weary of my long reign
Will find it hard to sleep tonight.
They know that Joe got three more years
I've outlived, outworked and outlasted all my peers.
And any other coach who wants my job
Is gonna be one sad and disappointed slob.
And so I'm offering this simple phrase
To all my friends of 82.
Although it's been said many times, many ways,
Joe ain't about to say adieu.
("I'll Be Home for Christmas")
I was gone by Christmas
Didn't count on that.
We spent dough; Didn't show,
So my career went splat.
Christmas Eve won't find me
Where the floodlights glow.
I was once a Sixer
But now they don't want Mo.
("Let It Snow"
)
Oh, the trouble I make is frightful
But my TV face so delightful
A jerk? Well, you might think so.
I'm T.O. I'm T.O. I'm T.O.
The Cowboys show signs of flopping
Still, I have no plans for stopping
And 'til they take away my dough,
I'm T.O. I'm T.O. I'm T.O.
When they finally send me packing
I'll just find a new team to annoy.
Drew and I will get down to attacking
And a locker room we'll destroy.
Oh, the prospect is so appealing.
Make trouble. Get paid. It's stealing.
Still, these teams, they love me so.
I'm T.O. I'm T.O. I'm T.O.
(
"O Christmas Tree")
All Sports TV.
All Sports TV.
How awesome are your ratings?
Your ad rates high.
Your anchors wry.
I wish you weren't so grating.
(
"Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer"
)
D-Mac the Eagles QB
Had a very iffy arm
And if you saw him early
You'd react with some alarm,
All of the Eagles' fan base
Liked to moan and call for Kolb
They never liked poor D-Mac
So Andy took away his job.
Then one boring Monday noon
Andy came to say:
"D-Mac, I'm not very bright,
"Won't you guide my team tonight?"
Then how the fan base loved him
As the victory total grew.
D-Mac the Eagles QB
We will never, ever boo.
(
"Jolly Old St. Nicholas"
)
Cholly, you're our hero now
Listen what we say.
We bought you a Christmas gift
You won't have to pay.
When you stand before the mikes
We can't understand.
Soon you'll drop your "aints" and "likes"
And grammar you'll command.
We got you an English course.
Learn it while you rest.
You'll soon speak with no remorse.
No, there is no test.
We know that you been growed up
Now you'll sound it too
Next time you call Eskin out
Your language we'll construe.
("Holly, Jolly Christmas")
Have a holly, jolly season.
While I'm still a hobbled man.
I can't say when I will play
Enjoy it while you can.
Have a holly, jolly season
Win a Tour event or three.
Just recall your rank will fall
When I'm back on the tee.
Oh, ho the choke you'll do
When I come back in June.
On that day you'll hear the roars
And there go all those 64s.
Have a holly jolly season
While I rehab my bum knee
Oh by golly, have a holly,
Jolly season this year.