It's the last Thursday before Christmas, and that means it's time again for those wildly popular Morning Bytes Christmas Carol parodies:

Chase Utley

(Sung to the tune of "Blue Christmas")

I've got a blue message to send you

Don't really care if it will offend you.

Declaration obscene, on a day so pristine.

Next parade, I'll cut down on caffeine.

I've got a blue message to send you

Don't really care if it will offend you.

Yes, your hearing was right. No, I won't be contrite.

I've got a blue bleeping message to send you.

Joe Paterno

("The Christmas Song")

Hip bones mending as the Rose Bowl nears.

Spanier urging me to go.

Hey, I've been here nearly 60 years.

It ain't so easy losing Joe.

Everybody knows a walker and a metal cane

Couldn't make me quit the fight.

Tiny minds weary of my long reign

Will find it hard to sleep tonight.

They know that Joe got three more years

I've outlived, outworked and outlasted all my peers.

And any other coach who wants my job

Is gonna be one sad and disappointed slob.

And so I'm offering this simple phrase

To all my friends of 82.

Although it's been said many times, many ways,

Joe ain't about to say adieu.

Maurice Cheeks

("I'll Be Home for Christmas")

I was gone by Christmas

Didn't count on that.

We spent dough; Didn't show,

So my career went splat.

Christmas Eve won't find me

Where the floodlights glow.

I was once a Sixer

But now they don't want Mo.

Terrell Owens

("Let It Snow"


Oh, the trouble I make is frightful

But my TV face so delightful

A jerk? Well, you might think so.

I'm T.O. I'm T.O. I'm T.O.

The Cowboys show signs of flopping

Still, I have no plans for stopping

And 'til they take away my dough,

I'm T.O. I'm T.O. I'm T.O.

When they finally send me packing

I'll just find a new team to annoy.

Drew and I will get down to attacking

And a locker room we'll destroy.

Oh, the prospect is so appealing.

Make trouble. Get paid. It's stealing.

Still, these teams, they love me so.

I'm T.O. I'm T.O. I'm T.O.



"O Christmas Tree")

All Sports TV.

All Sports TV.

How awesome are your ratings?

Your ad rates high.

Your anchors wry.

I wish you weren't so grating.

Donovan McNabb


"Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer"


D-Mac the Eagles QB

Had a very iffy arm

And if you saw him early

You'd react with some alarm,

All of the Eagles' fan base

Liked to moan and call for Kolb

They never liked poor D-Mac

So Andy took away his job.

Then one boring Monday noon

Andy came to say:

"D-Mac, I'm not very bright,

"Won't you guide my team tonight?"

Then how the fan base loved him

As the victory total grew.

D-Mac the Eagles QB

We will never, ever boo.

Charlie Manuel


"Jolly Old St. Nicholas"


Cholly, you're our hero now

Listen what we say.

We bought you a Christmas gift

You won't have to pay.

When you stand before the mikes

We can't understand.

Soon you'll drop your "aints" and "likes"

And grammar you'll command.

We got you an English course.

Learn it while you rest.

You'll soon speak with no remorse.

No, there is no test.

We know that you been growed up

Now you'll sound it too

Next time you call Eskin out

Your language we'll construe.

Tiger Woods

("Holly, Jolly Christmas")

Have a holly, jolly season.

While I'm still a hobbled man.

I can't say when I will play

Enjoy it while you can.

Have a holly, jolly season

Win a Tour event or three.

Just recall your rank will fall

When I'm back on the tee.

Oh, ho the choke you'll do

When I come back in June.

On that day you'll hear the roars

And there go all those 64s.

Have a holly jolly season

While I rehab my bum knee

Oh by golly, have a holly,

Jolly season this year.