Rest easy, antiblog crusaders. You're no longer alone in your fight against the cruel, dim, unkempt, basement-dwelling socialists who roam the Internet. Your righteous cause has finally found a leader - its very own version of Senator Joe McCarthy. (No, not Buzz Bissinger.)
Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban is your champion, and he wants nothing more than to ferret out those no-good commies . . . er, bloggers, and discredit them.
Like Ol' Joe, Cuban is known as a tolerant, careful man who would never go to extremes or employ hyperbole. Unless it's a random weekday, then anything goes.
Recently, Cuban stood up for all free-speech-loathing Americans - otherwise known as red-white-and-blue-blooded patriots - when he lashed out against those dark-hearted Internet scoundrels. Thank God. There's really not enough blog bashing these days.
Cuban thinks ESPN and other mainstream media outlets have been corrupted and commandeered by a vast blog conspiracy that will stop at nothing to ruin our sports-loving society with their crude-yet-often-hilarious jokes and imbedded videos.
Today, blogs threaten to cripple the World Wide Leader. Tomorrow, the world itself.
"Its [sic] almost like a sad joke," Cuban wrote in his manifesto - a screed that will be trumpeted as right and necessary by technophobes and old newspapermen everywhere. "How do you make an ESPN reporter jump? Make up something and put it on your blog. Somewhere a bunch of sports bloggers are playing a drinking game. Chug if the other guys [sic] made-up trade rumor makes the ESPN crawl."
It's true. All bloggers are shameless rumor-mongers and alcohol dependents, just as all Communists are known to have birthmarks that resemble Comrade Stalin.
If we allow this blog nonsense to continue unchecked, we'll be no better than the North Koreans or the Red Chinese. But don't worry. Cuban has a plan:
"How to stop it? ESPN.com puts up a page of blacklisted blogs and Web sites who's [sic] posts they wont [sic] comment on or report on in any way. It will create a short term surge of traffic for those sites, but then they will go away as the proprietors of the sites realize that being discredited is not a good thing."
That sounds like a lazy, lame half-measure. Blacklisting is so 1950s. If the country learned anything from the Committee on Un-American Activities, it's that naming names won't change anything. It's best to round up all the bloggers and throw them in internment camps before things get ugly.
We can't be too careful. We must protect all Americans against those who dare to think out loud and then post those ideas on the Internet. Ignoring their thoughts simply won't do. When you hate something or disagree with it, it's your duty to beat it over the head until it submits - preferably with a rolled up copy of the Bill of Rights. Makes for a handy weapon and sends a strong message.
Anyway, Cuban is on the right track, and he should be applauded for his vision. If you'd like to read the rest of his proposal, simply turn on your computer.
Senator Irony posted it on his blog (blogmaverick.com).
In the past, I've taken one or two (or a dozen) shots at the Eagles for being insensitive and discourteous when it comes to the fans. It's only right, then, that credit is given where it's due.
A 70-year-old grandmother named Kathy Patton had been trying for a while to speak to someone in the Birds organization about her grandson - U.S. Air Force Staff Sergeant Shane Slaughter. Sergeant Slaughter - great name, right? - is currently serving in Afghanistan, and he's a huge Eagles fan. Patton wanted to send him an autographed Eagles photo, but she said she kept "hitting a brick wall by not knowing who to contact." Eventually, Patton was put in touch with Derek Boyko, the Eagles' director of media relations.
"The Eagles went over and above," Patton said. "They not only sent him the picture but also two short-sleeve shirts and separate pictures of his two favorite players."
I'm sure the Birds do this stuff all the time, and it goes unnoticed, so I thought I'd pass it along. It's a nice story, and they should be commended for making a grandmother and her grandson happy.
So much for Lenny Dykstra being a financial genius. Barely a year after HBO Real Sports lauded Nails as an investment guru, the very same program is set to tear him down. Tonight at 10 p.m. on HBO, Real Sports will run another Dykstra piece. This one will pretty much paint him as the (alleged) money-stealing fraud many of his former employees have publicly accused him of being. (Dykstra is currently being sued by some 20 people.) Nails, of course, responds with his favorite rejoinders - curse words. Should make for quality TV. . . . Orlando Magic star Dwight Howard will reportedly star in a film called Switch. The plot involves Howard's hoop skills being magically transferred to a nerdy, un-athletic high school kid. I feel an Oscar for Best Picture coming on. . . . The College of William & Mary is looking for a new mascot. The school used to be the Tribe, but that was deemed offensive to American Indians. Yesterday, the school said it's received more than 400 suggestions. One of them was "the Asparagus." The William & Mary Asparagus. Really hope that one wins. . . . According to the Tennessean, Gloria Estefan shot some of the new Monday Night Football theme song video with Hank Williams. Strange combo. Somehow, I doubt their rhythm is gonna get me.