IT'S ALWAYS FUN to go to The Onion and read what we wish we could say.
How many of you wish you could see this?
Three days after the massive bulletin board of the top 2014 NFL Draft prospects fell and pinned him to the floor of his basement, sources confirmed . . . that an injured, severely dehydrated Mel Kiper Jr. remains trapped underneath his Big Board.
"Help! Somebody, please help me! I'm stuck!" the longtime ESPN analyst reportedly said, weakened from subsisting on small 3-by-5-inch index cards containing names of promising outside linebackers. "Oh God, I think my ribs are broken. Can anyone hear me? Please, I don't want to die!"
At press time, reports indicated that upon being discovered by his wife, Kim, Kiper was rescued by emergency crews and is currently in Bristol Hospital re-ranking the top 100 draft prospects by position.
Come on, I know you wish that really did happen.
And then there's this:
According to a report released by the MLB league office, injuries have significantly risen this season as a direct result of more players opting to slide headfirst into the dugout.
"Concussions, dislocated shoulders, and season-ending bone fractures are just some of what we've seen this year as an increasing number of players are diving headfirst into the dugout at full speed," said commissioner Bud Selig.
"We are considering measures to outlaw the practice entirely. We've simply seen too many instances of players being overzealous and slamming their backs against the concrete wall above the bench or accidentally taking out a group of teammates leaning on the railing."
Selig added that the league is also considering improving safety by banning outfielders from launching themselves cleat-first into the stands with both feet while attempting to catch a foul ball.