Epstein files offer lessons to parents on keeping kids safe | Expert Opinion

A millionaire’s private island filled with luxury goods, gourmet food, and fine wine seems like a reality a million miles from yours, so what can Philadelphia-area parents learn from the Epstein files?

Plenty.

There are people like Jeffrey Epstein everywhere. He just had a bigger field.

Epstein started small. In her memoir Nobody’s Girl, the late Virginia Roberts Giuffre, abused and trafficked by Epstein starting at age 16, describes how Epstein told her that as a teacher, he traded sex for grades. Alumni of New York’s elite Dalton School have described inappropriate conduct toward girls. Yet he was dismissed from the school simply for “poor performance.”

Back in the 1970s, when Epstein taught, sex abuse prevention programs were primarily directed at kids. Teaching kids to recognize “good touch/bad touch” would have done nothing for teenage girls, likely targeted for their insecurity, for whom attention from a cute, popular new teacher felt like affection and status. Today, the most effective school-based sex abuse prevention programs involve the entire school helping faculty and staff recognize and respond to inappropriate behavior. Policies explicitly identify acceptable and unacceptable behaviors around issues from touching to communicating with students outside of school. Ongoing prevention programs empower everyone to act if they see a breach. Parents are included as partners to reinforce healthy messages at home. One great example is Safety STARS — Enough Abuse.

What are the lessons for parents? I can count at least four:

1. Learn what sexual abuse prevention program is offered in your school or district and participate in the parent component. Confirm that it follows best practices, such as requiring a code of conduct for faculty, staff, and students, and commitment from administration to continuous monitoring of adherence to the policies.

Almost 20 years ago, Epstein was convicted of trafficking children for sex but escaped serious punishment in a now widely criticized plea deal. Defense attorneys at the time used the phrase “underage women” to soften how his acts against children sounded. I urge parents and all adults to more accurately call his crimes “child rape.” This helps challenge the social norm that it is somehow acceptable to have sex with minors who may be dressed up to appear older than they truly are.

2. For decades, social scientists have distinguished a pedophile — someone primarily attracted to prepubescent children — from ephebophiles, people attracted to older adolescents and teens. Either way, acting on such attractions is a crime against children.

Adults who target older youth may be more subtle in how they approach their targets, and that’s why parents should monitor all their teens’ relationships with adults, both virtual and in real life. A 17-year-old may look grown, and may balk at this supervision. But their brain still has nearly a decade before it can consistently make mature decisions.

Adolescence is a time of deep insecurity, when teens are highly sensitive to others’ opinions. As Giuffre noted in her memoir, people like Epstein are adept at “reading a room.” They can intuit what a vulnerable teen needs, and offer it, exacting their price later.

3. Even as maturing teens pull away, parents must work harder to stay connected and know what is happening in their teens’ lives. Set special times — driving to school can be ideal — to ask questions that require more than a yes-no answer. Take the time to learn the names of their friends, teachers, and coaches, so they know you’re really interested. Leave a surprise note on their bed telling them you’re proud of something they did. Teens need steady validation of their worth — not only for achievements, but simply for who they are. Keeping their self-esteem “cup” as full as possible is an important protective factor.

Predators are master manipulators. They can patiently work their way into an adolescent’s confidence, shoring up fragile self-esteem. That’s why it’s so critical for parents to be their children’s consistent support. Predators don’t just live on private islands and roam the world in private jets; they can run the social hierarchy as the “alpha” in a high school, or orchestrate hazing in a college fraternity or sorority.

4. Use the Epstein news as a moment to remind kids what a bully really is: someone who repeatedly uses their power to hurt, scare, or control a more vulnerable person. It is also a crucial chance to talk about sexual health and safety. Explain how youth of any age can be vulnerable to exploitation, and be explicit that sex should never be traded for anything.

A colleague raising teens put it starkly when I asked how she was handling the Epstein stories: “Kids are watching how we handle this as adults, and they are not impressed.” The children of this attorney are likely not the only ones who wonder why Epstein went so lightly punished, or why our culture seems to condone sexualized images of teens.

Ask your children what they’ve read and heard, what they think it means, and listen. Then share your thoughts and values. All adults can show the young people in our lives that we can do better — by talking openly about abuse, bullying, harmful media messages and whatever else is troubling our children. We can show them that we stand behind them and will advocate for safer policies in schools and communities.

Janet Rosenzweig MS, PhD, MPA is author of the book “The Sex-Wise Parent,” a senior policy analyst at The Institute for Human Services, and a member of the board of directors of The National Coalition to Prevent Child Sexual Abuse and Exploitation.