Reflecting on grief rituals as gun violence spreads

As the death toll of gun violence continues to rise in the U.S., so does the emotional toll.

Ten Black people were fatally shot at a grocery store in Buffalo. In a Texas elementary school, 19 fourth graders and two teachers were killed. And in Philadelphia, a shooting on the popular South Street corridor that left three dead is the most recent chapter of a gun violence crisis that is increasingly taking children and teens as victims.

Two of the people with a front-row seat to the grief that comes after are Harry Fash Jr. and Harry Fash III, of Eastern Casket in Nicetown. The Fashes provide caskets and cremation services for local funeral homes.

People grieve in many ways. Several years ago, Boston College sociology professor Nora Gross studied how Philadelphia teenage males cope with losing friends to violence. She found that their grief rituals include releasing balloons and lighting candles in organized gatherings. Privately, they wear clothing and jewelry with their friend’s name or picture. They get memorial tattoos.

In recent years, the Fashes began offering vinyl designs for the lids of caskets — or even entire wraps — as a way to personalize the deceased and comfort the families. They add artwork to the tops of urns. Harry Fash III, a former Temple art student who joined his father in the business, not long ago made artwork with a “Frozen” theme for the casket of a child killed in a crossfire. “Spiderman” was the theme requested by the family of a child killed when another child accidentally fired a gun that was not locked up.

Designs for adults include song lyrics, doves, and praying hands.

We recently talked to the Fashes about their work, their view of violence today, and how we grieve death in a world that has seen so much of it.

Fash Jr.: I see it everywhere. People are becoming more impatient. We even have to be careful when we’re in the street getting in and out of our vehicle because sometimes we have to block part of the lane. Some people will yield to you, others will not. Overall, it’s tense in the streets.

And I think social media has changed all this dramatically. You can’t get away from it. The violence is everywhere.

The teenage violence now has really perplexed me. I don’t know where the parents are.

Fash Jr.: As far as families grieving, we all grieve when we lose someone we love. But even so, I see families sometimes who start arguing as they’re planning the service or choosing the casket. I ask them to leave.

Sometimes, I see violence at the funerals. Things get out of hand. Mostly, that’s when it’s a violent death. Other times, the sudden deaths are the tough ones. But it’s the violent deaths, the shootings, where I just get confused. I don’t know why the attitudes are like that. There was a funeral not far from our shop, and the cops had to come because a fight broke out. I don’t understand it. You’re there to give respect to the family.

Fash Jr.: A lot more people are opting for cremation for children, which wasn’t always the case. But some of the things that happen with me, when I do a child cremation, I have to pick up the body. I’m sad because they’re so small. I’m talking about a child that has made it to 6 years old, say. Those are the tough cremations for us.

Fash III: I think the way I view it is a little skewed, being involved in the death-care industry. You want to feel sorrow and grief when you see someone so young come in that died in a tragic way. And in a way, I do. But nowadays, you see so much of it. I also have to do my job. As much as it feels it should hurt, it’s normalized. It’s such a harsh thing to say out loud.

I try to avoid those feelings. We have such a heavy burden of a job here. So it is a personal numbing. When we do learn of these tragedies, especially when it involves violence, it would be unrealistic to burden myself with the emotional trauma of being too caught up in the details of what happened.

Fash Jr.: It’s personal. So when the family is at the cemetery, say, and the casket is closed, maybe instead of looking at a small name plate, they’re looking at doves or praying hands or a favorite cartoon image. This is their last view before their loved one is buried. Maybe they feel better at that point. Especially with a child. It’s tough enough. But with a child, having that personalization of something that was near and dear to them, that shows their personality, can help.

Fash III: I’ll be approached by a family that says their loved one had a favorite cartoon character, say. I get a lot of requests for cartoon characters or animated characters. So I’ll put it in my iPad and draw it up and transform it into a vinyl inscription.

The ways that families are coping with their grief is evolving, I would say. They’re evolving to create a more personal experience. That includes a compilation of photographs, lid inscriptions, inserts in head panels that display anything from a picture to a customized saying, all the way to entire casket wraps — like the ones on vehicles.

Fash III: No one is used to seeing caskets, and certainly not seeing their loved one in a casket. But if that is attached to something familiar, some type of personal connection to their loved one, it makes it easier to live in that situation.

The overarching theme we’re seeing is that people want to see death more personalized. It helps to sever that disconnect — the scary feelings of death, and an image of death, like a casket, with the person they knew and loved.

Obviously, seeing a loved one in a casket can be extremely traumatizing. If eliminating any long-term effects of trauma can be afforded by a colorful image, a nice picture, then so be it.