Boyfriend got email from the one who got away
Carolyn Hax is away. The following is from June 20, 2003. Question: My boyfriend of the last three months recently received an email from a long-ago ex-girlfriend, who apologized for the way things had ended and wanted to catch up with him. She was the love of his life in college and shortly after. She broke his heart, cheating on him five times with other guys. He almost committed suicide over her and was severely depressed after they broke up.
Carolyn Hax is away. The following is from June 20, 2003.
Question: My boyfriend of the last three months recently received an email from a long-ago ex-girlfriend, who apologized for the way things had ended and wanted to catch up with him. She was the love of his life in college and shortly after. She broke his heart, cheating on him five times with other guys. He almost committed suicide over her and was severely depressed after they broke up.
I am worried that she will want him back in her life and that he will spring back like a wound-up jack-in-the-box. I know how much she affected his life; he has brought her up in conversation before. Is there anything I can do to prevent him from emailing her back? Are my fears warranted?
Answer: You may lose him, but if he wants her, then you don't want him. Repeat to self as needed. Plus, you never want a guy who's with you only because you forbade him to talk to his ex/another attractive woman. You want a guy who could have anyone and who nevertheless wants you.
Plus, you've known him all of three months. As tragedies go, it's a one-act.
Plus, you want to make sure his instability was also "long-ago."
Be happy she sent that email. Losing him isn't the worst-case scenario; wondering two, three, 15 years from now if and when and where you might lose him is worse. You already knew this was a guy with potent, unfinished stuff. Now, he has a chance to finish it.
And you have a chance to be brave. Tell him you're nuts about him, and you want him to do whatever he feels he needs to. He'll do that anyway, whether you like it or not, because that's what people do, especially when their relationships are still in the tadpole stage. Make it your idea, and you'll like each other more for it.
Question: Would you help us settle a disagreement? My wife often kisses male friends on the lips as a greeting or goodbye. I don't like this and have asked her to stop. She argues that it's just a peck and means nothing to her or the man. What do you think?
Answer: I think she has no business speaking for the men in this situation. And I think, as it would require such a minor adjustment, she ought to consider your feelings. I also think that if it really doesn't mean anything to her - i.e., there's no sexual component to it - she shouldn't have any objection to kissing women hello and goodbye on the lips as well.
Chat with Carolyn Hax online at noon Fridays at www.washingtonpost.com.