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Marvel, I hope you respect me in the morning | Lisa Scottoline

At this theater, fans got *really* immersed in "Avengers: Endgame."

In "Avengers; Endgame," when Thor's thunder roars, so do the theater's seats.
In "Avengers; Endgame," when Thor's thunder roars, so do the theater's seats.Read moreMarvel Studios / MCT

I just got back from the fourth dimension.

I mean, the movies.

Let me explain.

Every Saturday night, my bestie Franca and I go to the movies, and this time, I was in a charge of the tickets. I ordered them online for Avengers.

You may have heard of it. It made a zillion billion thousand dollars last weekend.

Twenty bucks of that was mine.

They can thank me anytime.

I see all the comic book movies.

Not that I’ve read the comic books.

I was a Betty and Veronica girl.

I wanted to be Veronica, but I was Betty.

In my dreams.

Now, I’m Miss Grundy.

Except I never understood the fuss over Archie.

He had crosshatching for sideburns.

Jughead was more fun.

To return to point, I’m a sucker for a superhero movie.

I could tell you that this is literary and intellectual of me, in that I am tracing the evolution of the mythic hero.

But you know me better than that.

I just like to be entertained.

With carbohydrates.

Life is short. Eat popcorn.

So I met Franca at the theater, but everything about it was different. A new sign said it was in 4D, which I didn’t understand.

I only sprang for the 3D tickets, which come with glasses.

What would the 4D come with?

A spaceship?

Then we read the other signs in front of the theater:

Fog.

Rain.

Storm

Snow.

Wind.

Lightning.

I was confused. It wasn’t a movie theater, it was a weather report.

Other signs made no sense:

Motion, with a picture of two arrows.

Scents, with a picture of a flower.

And, inexplicably, bubbles.

My favorite signs were vaguely pornographic:

Ticklers.

Vibration.

Yes, folks, I’m here to tell you that the chairs in this theater vibrated.

Marvel, I hope you respect me in the morning.

I really liked the movie.

It was almost orgasmic.

I don’t know the movie’s rating.

But the seats were rated X.

The theater was completely new, with big black recliners that had buttons that read Water On or Water Off.

I pressed Water Off.

I want to be entertained, not showered.

And just before the Avengers started, a preview came on that wasn’t for the movie, but the movie theater.

The preview demonstrated everything the signs promised. If there was a windy scene, fans in the seats blew wind in your face. If there was fog on the screen, machines in the front of the theater released fog. During an on-screen car crash, the chairs rocked wildly back and forth and sideways, so much that I had to hold on tight.

It wasn’t a movie, it was a ride.

Or maybe that was the vibrating.

If Hollywood is trying to get women back into theaters, it has the right idea.

Miss Grundy approves.

And then there’s the tickling.

Randomly during the movie, a little rubber hose whips around your ankles and tickles them.

It wasn’t a movie, it was sexual harassment.

When the characters on screen walked in flowers, the theater released a nice smell.

When it stormed, everyone but us got misted.

Sadly, there were no bubbles.

I want my zillion billion thousand dollars back.

Anyway, Franca and I had a great time.

The theater was great.

The movie was beside the point.

We never stopped laughing. I took a video of us during the preview, and you can watch it online if you need a headache.

The audience was full of people of all ages, and everybody loved it. They yelled and screamed and hooted and hollered. There’s a fight scene every five minutes in the Avengers, and we all felt like we were in there, but we didn’t have to get hit.

What could be better?

Avengers was a three-hour movie, but instead of dozing off like I usually do, I stayed excited and happy.

Thanks to the vibrating chair.

Imagine if I’m in one of those chairs and Bradley Cooper is on screen.

Somebody call 911.

Look for Lisa and Francesca’s humor collection, “I See Life Through Rosé-Colored Glasses,” and Lisa’s best-selling domestic thriller, “Someone Knows,” in stores now. lisa@scottoline.com.