Happily landing in the wrong place | Lisa Scottoline

Did you hear about the airplane that was supposed to fly to Düsseldorf, but instead landed in Scotland?

There’s so much I love about this news story I don’t know where to start.

Here’s what happened.

Everybody was on British Airways Flight 3271 from London going to Düsseldorf in Germany, but when the flight was over, the plane had mistakenly landed in the capital of Scotland, which is Edinburgh.

You knew that, didn’t you?

I didn’t, but that’s what this column is about, because when I read the story, I realized how many people know so much more than I do.

So getting back to the airplane that flew to the wrong city.

The newspaper said the plane flew to the wrong city because an incorrect flight plan was issued, but I don’t even understand how that works. It suggests that you load the flight plan into the plane and you can’t override it if necessary.

Beware the robots, friends.

We’re going where they say.

One passenger realized the plane was heading to Edinburgh by mistake before land was even in sight. Reportedly, he said, “I saw on Flightradar that the flight was flying north instead of south, but I assumed it was a system error of some sort."

Well.

That’s the first genius in the story.

I don’t even know what Flightradar is.

It sounds like a made-up word, especially Mashedtogether.

I never consulted Flightradar.

I generally leave all radar-consulting duties to the pilots, who, even if they land in the wrong city, are still doing a way better job than I ever would.

But that may be my system error.

Somebody else on the plane said, “When we started descending, I saw some taller hills and mountains, and I didn’t think that this is how eastern Netherlands or western Germany should look, but I assumed we took some small detour."

That would be the second genius, familiar enough with eastern Netherlands and western Germany to tell them apart.

From the sky.

GENIUS.

When I’m on a plane, I’m too afraid look out the window, and even if I do, it’s a color.

If it’s the sky, it’s blue.

If it’s a cloud, it’s white.

If it’s the land, it’s green or brown.

Beyond that, I don’t know.

They say God is in the details.

They also say the devil is in the details.

So what do they know?

Not geniuses.

You know who isn’t in the details?

Me.

The last thing I want to do when I’m 30,000 feet up is stare at the ground and try to figure out what’s on the bottom.

In fact, I have flown into Philadelphia every time I have returned home all of my entire life. And you know what’s outside the window?

The eastern Netherlands, for all I know.

But back to the plane of geniuses.

Another passenger on the flight said that while he was flying, he thought the terrain was unfamiliar, so he “checked Google Maps.”

I have never checked Google Maps on a plane.

I don’t even know how you get Google Maps to work on a plane.

I have a really hard time with airplane mode in general.

I’m the only person in the world who still turns the phone completely off on an airplane, because I’m afraid I’m going to kill everybody.

So if I ever crash, you know it wasn’t me.

It was some show-off on Flightradar.

Generally, how a phone works on the plane is mysterious.

Like the last time I had to fly, the flight was really bumpy and I thought I would distract myself with some music. So I went into my phone, but I couldn’t listen to any of my music, because there was a cloud next to each song.

And I was in the cloud at the time.

So I assumed my phone knew I was in the cloud.

Wow!

But, no.

As it turned out, my music was in the cloud at the same time I was in the cloud, yet I still couldn’t get my music.

We were in different clouds.

Do you know what I did during the turbulence?

I bit my phone not to cry out with fear.

And I cracked the screen.

And I got glass between my teeth.

I’m not kidding.

Don’t put your phone in your mouth, not to get through turbulence or even to hold it for a minute while you get your keys and hold your coffee Yeti.

Because you will eat glass.

Really expensive glass.

And your phone will look like you’re in middle school.

And a boy.

Anyway, I couldn’t use Google Maps on an airplane to determine that I was landing in the wrong major European city.

I couldn’t even find Düsseldorf on a globe.

Does anyone even know what a globe is anymore?

This was the planeload of the smartest people ever.

And they sound so nice.

One of the passengers even said, “Most of us found this situation quite funny."

This would be the European approach to life.

The American approach would be litigation.

So the story has a happy landing.

And a happy ending.

Look for Lisa and Francesca’s humor collection, “I See Life Through Rosé-Colored Glasses,” and Lisa’s number-one best-selling thriller, “After Anna,” and her Rosato & DiNunzio novel, “Feared,” in stores now. Also look for Lisa’s new novel, “Someone Knows,” coming April 9. lisa@scottoline.com.