DEAR ABBY: My sister-in-law “Nancy” and my wife have a strained relationship, but they love each other and talk often. Every so often, Nancy becomes abusive with my wife. The ire stems from a messy divorce Nancy went through 15 years ago.
We have traveled to see Nancy’s son (our nephew) who lives with her ex, “Jim.” While we are there, we see them both and enjoy some quality time together. This aggravates Nancy, who feels that because (in her opinion) Jim was solely responsible for the divorce, we are disrespecting her by visiting him. I think she should understand that we developed a relationship with him during their marriage.
We love Nancy, but we feel we are entitled to maintain the relationship with her ex. Are we wrong? Must we choose a side since she is so hateful toward him?
— WRONG SIDE IN TEXAS
DEAR WRONG SIDE: Nancy is hurt and bitter that Jim left her, as well as possessive of you and her sister. Time has not mellowed her. You are not wrong to maintain a relationship with your former brother-in-law. As adults, you and your wife are entitled to have a relationship with anyone you wish. (It is also understandable that you would want to maintain a relationship with your nephew.) That said, however, it would seem prudent for the two of you to disclose less to Nancy about your travels because she is so sensitive and emotional about it.
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DEAR ABBY: My cousin’s son “Troy” is being married in eight months. I just received the “save the date,” and I’m trying to decide whether to attend. The wedding is out of state, requiring travel and a hotel. Troy and I haven’t spoken in years. He has never shown an interest in getting to know me. The last communication I had with him was a thank-you note for his high school graduation gift eight years ago. Once, when Troy, his brother and his mother were supposed to spend a day or two visiting me while on vacation, they decided at the last minute to visit other relatives in California. And last year, when the family was supposed to come for Thanksgiving, they rented an Airbnb close to my house, and then everyone made plans to do things without me. Needless to say, I was surprised to receive his “save the date.”
Must I attend? Should I attend? Should I send a gift, or simply convey my best wishes for a happy marriage, like I would to any other stranger or acquaintance?
— BAFFLED IN ARIZONA
DEAR BAFFLED: Because relations with this branch of the family are so distant, I don’t think you need to go to the expense of traveling to be there. However, the polite thing to do to maintain some sort of family connection would be to send a gift to the happy couple, along with a card conveying your good wishes. (My intuition tells me you likely won’t receive an acknowledgement for your generosity, so don’t be disappointed.)