What is it?
Just plain Sunday.
In other words, the only day of the week that has no first name.
A day of rest, for first names everywhere.
Because nowadays all the days of the week have first names.
It probably started with Black Friday.
That was traditionally the shopping day after Thanksgiving, when there were supposed to be great sales.
But now there’s no such thing as a great sale.
That’s just my personal observation, but there it is.
I remember the sales of my youth, like I remember the snowstorms. There used to be a lot more snow, and usually it was 30 percent off.
But no longer.
That was before Cyber Friday.
Cyber Friday is supposed to be when you shopped online the day after Thanksgiving, but I tried to do that last weekend, and it didn't work.
I wanted to buy a speaker online, so I waited for Cyber Friday, which is like Black Friday but you can park easier. I clicked, but then I realized that Cyber Monday was coming up.
Right after Cyber Thanksgiving.
I wasn’t sure what to do. I was worried that the Cyber Monday price would be better, but I didn’t want to miss out on the Cyber Friday price, so I bought the speaker.
But you know what? The price on Cyber Monday was exactly the same as Cyber Friday.
Okay, I’ll allow it.
But you know what else? I checked the price on Tuesday, and it was exactly the same price as on Cyber Friday and Cyber Monday, though it was not Cyber Tuesday.
Evidently there’s no such thing as Cyber Tuesday, or at least not yet.
I had been cyberpunked into buying the item, thinking it was on sale, when it was not. In theory, it was an everyday low price, but anyone who breathes oxygen knows that the everyday price is anything but low.
And still, I’m conditioned to sales.
Everyday low prices never worked for me.
If everybody’s somebody, then nobody's anybody.
I didn’t write that, Gilbert & Sullivan did.
If there's no such thing as Cyber Tuesday, then where did Giving Tuesday come from? That’s when you're supposed to give to worthy causes the money you didn't save on nonexistent sales.
I support the concept of charity, even if I would not have renamed Tuesday.
Especially when we already had Tongue-Out Tuesday.
That’s when you’re supposed to post pictures of your dog or cat with its tongue out.
Don’t even think of posting a picture of your dog with its tongue out on Wednesday.
Tell your dog to keep its tongue to itself on Wednesday.
If it doesn’t have a hashtag, it didn’t happen.
By the way, Wednesday is officially Hump Day online.
Wednesday has a new name.
Which is just plain rude.
To a dog, every day is Hump Day.
So they can hump on Wednesday, but they have to have their tongues in.
I’d vote for Chocolate Cake Thursday, but Thursday already has a first name.
Which I like.
Because I’m a throwback, so I'm throwing back every day of the week.
And now there’s Small Business Saturday.
Saturday has not only one first name, but two.
Small Business Saturday is the day we’re supposed to shop in small businesses.
Of course, this is another concept I heartily endorse.
After all, I own a small business. Which might be the only kind of business you can own if you’re 5-foot-2.
More importantly, I support Small Business Saturday because every other day of the week is devoted to Big Business.
In fact, there are years and decades devoted to Big Business.
And lobbyists, politicians, and even Congresses devoted to Big Business.
Only Sunday remains sacrosanct.
The way God, as well as Gilbert & Sullivan, intended.