Hair blues

Green is a great color for money.

Less so for hair.

Ask me, I know.

Because these days, my hair is green.

My head looks like a lime.

I would be great in a margarita.

Come to think of it, I need one right now.

We begin with the old house blues.

Or greens.

Which is that sometimes your pipes play tricks on you.

Not those pipes.

Those pipes are all out of tricks.

Evidently I have copper piping in my shower and I also have hard water, which turns out to be a bad combination.

That’s the extent of my chemistry knowledge.

All I know is that hard water and copper piping will turn your hair green.

It doesn’t happen overnight.

In fact, I didn’t notice it at all.

That gives you an idea of how often I look in a mirror.

I mean, why?

Besides, if you’re me during a pandemic, you’re not showering that much.

But I had to go to New York for Kiki’s birthday, so I took a shower. We went to see a show, and afterward, I caught her looking at me funny.

“What?” I asked her.

Mothers will understand my question. I doubt I even have to elaborate. From time to time, we catch our kids looking at us funny, which means either we have food on our face, our foundation isn’t blended, or our roots need touching up.

I asked her, “Do my roots need touching up?”

With me, that’s the likeliest of the three. Because I cannot be bothered to wear foundation and the food on my face no longer bothers my daughter.

Francesca answered, “Your roots are fine, if you like blue.”

That’s when we went to a mirror and we looked at my reflection. I thought my hair was green, but she thought it was blue, depending on the light.

Either way, I lost.

My eyes are blue, and in the sunlight, they match my hair.

You don’t want your hair to bring out the blue of your eyes.

Your sweater is supposed to do that, and men go crazy.

At least that’s what I hear.

I know it’s all the rage to dye your hair different colors, like pink and yellow, and I think that looks super cool. But it doesn’t when you do it with a pipe.

Plumbing is not a good look on a single woman.

Of course this happened the day before I was supposed to get my picture taken for Philadelphia magazine to promote my new book.

I was so excited about the photo shoot that I bought an eyebrow pencil for the occasion, because without one, I lack eyebrows.

With my drawn-in eyebrows and green-blue hair, I’m basically an art project.

In elementary school.

Also, I love Philadelphia magazine, even though 10 years ago, they gave this column a Worst of Philly award.

Can you imagine how I felt when I opened the magazine?

I let loose a string of profanity you can only dream of.

I should I get a Best of Philly award for profanity.

I was raised in South Philly, so I know how to curse.

On the other hand, Mother Mary was mad that they didn’t mention her.

But I carry grudges like nobody’s business.

It’s the only heavy lifting I do.

I can carry a grudge forever, up and down the stairs and around the block.

I’m pretty sure I could bench press a grudge.

I’m so good at carrying grudges, I’ll carry yours.

Just tell me who to hate and I’ll hate them.

Forever.

I do deserve a Worst of Philly award, but for my hair.

Anyway, I raced to the salon and found myself in the chair for the afternoon, while I got washed with special shampoo, special conditioner, and then detoxified.

So my hair became yellow again, which is not a natural color, but at least it’s not found in grass or sky.

And I had my photo shoot.

But if I shower, my hair will turn green-blue again.

I guess I’m not showering.

That’s the good news.

Look for Lisa’s new domestic thriller, “What Happened to the Bennetts,” coming March 29. Also, look for Lisa’s best-selling historical novel, “Eternal,” in paperback. Francesca’s critically acclaimed debut novel, “Ghosts of Harvard,” is now in paperback.