I just read a news article that said Philadelphia is the No. 11 horniest city in America.

And I have questions.

You must, too.

The obvious question is, which city is the horniest?

And do you want to move there?

Or away?

You know what I’m thinking.

I’d move away.

I have better things to do.

For example, eat rigatoni.

Go ahead, laugh all you want.

Have you had rigatoni lately?

To return to point, the No. 1 horniest city is Paradise, Nev.

Eye roll.

Like we get it, Paradise.

No. 2 is Orange, Calif., which didn’t surprise me, California being all free and everything.

No. 3 is Hollywood, Fla., which maybe got confused and thought it was in California.

No. 4 surprised me, and it’s Providence, R.I.

All those Puritans maybe not so pure.

By the way, New York City isn’t even in the top 100.

It’s No. 147.

So much for if you can make it here, you can make it anywhere.

Evidently you can’t make it here.

Get it together, Big Apple.

Or maybe not-so-Big Apple.

Interestingly, Philadelphia is the only city in Pennsylvania that makes the list of the top 100 horniest.

This is because I moved to the suburbs.

I live in Celibate, Pa.

It’s the opposite of Intercourse, Pa.

But you get more done.

Also, rigatoni.

By the way, the No. 10 city, right above Philadelphia, is Baltimore.

Famous for crabs.

Hopefully the right kind of crabs.

I wonder what the top 100 cities are for crabs.

Meanwhile, who knew Philly had it going on?

Maybe it’s time for those jokes to stop, like that we go to bed so early.

Or maybe we do.

The joke’s on everybody else.

We’re crushing it in the horny department.

Something to be proud of.

The other crazy thing about the survey, besides the fact that somebody conducted it at all, is that it is sponsored by Lawnstarter.

Lawnstarter is a lawn company.

It’s not a euphemism, or an innuendo, or a dirty joke.

I mean, it’s about lawns.

I’m not seeing the connection, are you?

I know that sex on the beach is a thing.

Maybe splendor in the grass?

But still.

The news story also informed me that National Sex Day is coming up, on June 9.

Get it, 6/9?

Yes, this was a news story written by teenage boys.

And this seems like one of those made-up holidays meant to sell things.

Just not Hallmark cards.

Maybe condoms.

Hopefully.

The survey also found out whether people had sex during the pandemic.

Reportedly, 13.9% of adults did not.

It me.

It you, too?

I’m actually happy to report this number. Because people who don’t have sex believe that everyone else is having sex, but there are at least 13.9% also eating way too much rigatoni.

On the other hand, 4.4% of those surveyed said they had sex daily or multiple times per day during the pandemic.

Wow!

When did they watch Cuomo?

Actually, I admire those people.

They’re people for whom nothing kills the mood.

Global pandemic? I get it, but I’m feelin’ frisky.

I mean, if that doesn’t stop you, nothing will.

Like, those are the people that make America great.

When the apocalypse comes, they will be all over the situation, ensuring the regeneration of the species.

They’re doing their part.

Thank you for your service, horny people.

No one needs to thank me.

I’m not horny at all.

First off, there’s no point.

Secondly, I’m having too much fun.

I’m on the sidelines, doing needlepoint and watching Netflix.

Also I have a job, and I do that, too.

And for a great time in bed, I read books.

And when I’m getting really crazy in bed, I read a book while I’m listening to an audiobook of the same book.

Oh baby.

That’s a three-way, Scottoline-style.

Look for Lisa’s best-selling historical novel, “Eternal,” in stores now. Also look for Francesca’s critically acclaimed debut novel, “Ghosts of Harvard,” on sale now.