You can’t keep a good woman down | Lisa Scottoline

Have you read about my hero?

She’s a python.

Let me explain.

In case you didn’t see the news story, last week at the St. Louis Zoo, a 62-year-old female python gave birth to seven eggs, even though she hadn’t had contact with a male python for 15 years.

So you see where this is going.

It’s me.

Ladies, there’s hope for the celibate.

You can still drop a few eggs.

They hold snakes, but you can’t have everything.

The newspaper also said that the snake is a ball python.

You’re telling me.

This is a girl after my own heart.

Here I was, thinking that I couldn’t get pregnant at my age, especially since I haven’t had sex this decade.

At least I think that’s true.

I can’t remember.

There’s the good news.

If I had sex in the past decade, it wasn’t memorable.

But back to the python.

Nobody can explain how she became pregnant. They think she reproduced asexually, which is a process called facultative parthenogenesis.

By the time you get through saying that, you could give birth.

Meanwhile, I saw Jurassic Park.

The snake wrote it.

The zoo never expected the snake to live that long. Apparently, pythons usually live only 40 years.

Are you feeling this girl yet?

I am.

She’s making her own rules.

She’s not buying into the patriarchy.

Or the python-archy.

What a woman!

Never mind that the newspaper headline called the 62-year-old snake “ancient.”

Hissssssssss.

Sixty-two is not ancient.

It’s barely a good start.

And evidently, 62 is the new puberty.

I think the newspaper is ageissssssssst.

And sexissssssst.

Meanwhile, the more you know about the story, the weirder it gets. For example, the zoo got the python in 1961, from a “private owner.”

Who privately owns a python?

You know what I privately own?

A bunch of old bras.

Meanwhile, the zoo never even named the snake.

What middle-aged female has not been marginalized?

I mean, really?

Can’t we name this girl?

How about Goddess?

Or Heroine?

Or Lisa Scottoline?

I can’t think of a name worthy enough for such a queen.

I can’t get over this, about the name. The zoo had a snake for almost 40 years and didn’t name her?

That’s procrasssssstinating.

Meanwhile, I name everything. Naming pets is fun. I have even acquired animals to fit a name I had in mind. For example, I wanted a draft horse so I could name him Final Draft.

I wanted a pony so I could name him Edgar Allen Pony.

Anything that lays eggs deserves a name.

I mean, it’s ungrateful not to.

The zoo was absolutely certain the python hadn’t come in contact with any male snakes. She has her own glass case, and the only male snake she sees is in the glass case next door.

This is my idea of the perfect relationship.

I love living alone. I love my house and I love being the only one in it, except for one daughter during quarantine.

I couldn’t imagine sharing a closet again, or even a drawer.

I need all the room.

In fact, I need more room.

Honestly, I hate sharing anything.

But I wouldn’t mind a man to look at through glass.

And if he could get me pregnant just by looking at me, he must be Bradley Cooper.

According to the news story, there are some species of snakes and lizards in which females produce asexually, and no males exist.

And what’s the bad news?

The article also said that snakes are able to store sperm from an earlier encounter for “delayed fertilization.”

That’s the bad news.

Reportedly, the longest delayed fertilization was seven years.

Oy.

That would be the one-night stand from hell.

Try to remember who you slept with seven years ago.

Now, try to forget.

Look for Lisa’s first historical novel, “Eternal,” coming on March 23, 2021. Also look for Francesca’s debut novel, “Ghosts of Harvard,” on sale now.