I’m in a bad romance.
With my dishwasher.
It was great in the beginning, when everything was shiny and new.
At least, he was.
But now he pushes my buttons.
And I push his.
It all started with the drinking glasses.
I noticed my glasses started getting foggy.
Of course I blamed myself.
It’s not you, it’s me.
I changed my detergent, then I started using Jet-Dry, then Lemi Shine, since I know I have hard water.
Basically I moisturize my dishes.
Inanimate objects have better skin care than I do.
Still, the glasses got cloudier.
I tried to live with it, but I don’t ask much in life.
I want a clean glass.
So I bought another set of glasses.
One month later, they were cloudy again.
I called the dishwasher guy, who came over and said the dishwasher works fine.
I said, you try living with him.
The dishwasher guy thought it was the glasses, so I ordered a different type of glasses, but when they came, they were too small. I didn’t notice they were only 10 ounces, so during dinner, I had to get up and refill the glass three times.
Don’t make me get up.
I never want to get up.
That might actually be a stage of life:
Youth, and I’m-not-getting-up.
So now I’m going to order a bigger set of the same different glasses.
If you follow.
But I’m thinking my dishwasher has too much to say about my life in general.
Then this week, it did something I cannot forgive.
It ate my Yeti.
I’m deeply in love with my Yeti.
I got one as a gift from my bestie Nan, because I have hot coffee every day from Dunkin’, and I love my Yeti so much that I bought two more, so I’m never without a Yeti.
They’re not cheap, but they come in hot pink, which is always worth the money.
Plus I think of my Yeti like a weight I carry around all day, so it’s cheaper than a gym.
I’m not pimping for Yeti here.
The only product I want you to buy after reading this is my books.
But if you get one of my books and a Yeti, you might be in heaven.
Especially if you put wine in the Yeti.
I still remember the day I fell in love with my Yeti. It was when I learned that the little black thing on the lid, which slides back and forth, is actually a magnet that comes off, so you can clean underneath.
Did you know that?
Hints from Heloise, right here.
What an invention!
There’s fire, the wheel, and the Yeti magnet.
Meanwhile I started thinking about why I love my Yeti so much, since it’s only a thermos that comes in menopausal colors.
And I realized it has nothing to do with the Yeti, at all.
Congress lets us down, politicians lie, and institutions fail us.
Yeti keeps its promise.
If you put hot coffee inside, it stays hot. If you put iced coffee inside, it stays cold.
That’s called integrity.
The only problem is I lose the lids, but that’s not Yeti’s fault, and it turns out you can buy extra lids. I lose the magnets, too, but you can buy those, too. Some of the lids come with straws, but I lost mine.
I lose a lot of things.
And then I realized where.
You guessed it.
In the dishwasher.
I put my Yeti in the dishwasher because I’m lazy.
I put everything in the dishwasher.
If you can’t put something in the dishwasher, I don’t want it.
But after I put my Yeti in the dishwasher, I discovered a lid on the bottom.
Then a magnet.
I noticed the inside of my Yeti turning brown.
And I realized my dishwasher was trying to kill my Yeti.
Out of jealousy.
The next thing I know, the garbage disposal stopped working, and when the garbage-disposal guy came over, he found a Yeti magnet inside.
So you know what happened.
The dishwasher put the Yeti magnet in the garbage disposal.
Ladies and gentlemen, I still got it.
Look for Lisa’s new best-selling domestic thriller, “What Happened to the Bennetts,” on sale now. Also, look for Lisa’s historical novel, “Eternal,” in paperback. Francesca’s critically acclaimed debut novel, “Ghosts of Harvard,” is also in paperback.