The solution to our pandemic problems: The Amish | Lisa Scottoline

Lisa Quarantine here, reporting that you don’t have to worry about the coronavirus anymore.

It’s all over.

We have a solution.

So don’t fret about a thing.

The mission is accomplished.

Even the coronavirus task force may be winding down. Except that it never wound up in the first place, since the federal government didn’t think it was its job to govern the federation.

Obviously, there was no reason to deploy the Defense Production Act, which could have engaged every relevant company in the entire country to produce masks, gowns, and ventilators on a massive scale, to save the lives of Americans.

Why get pushy?

We may be the greatest superpower on the planet, but the federal government won’t get off the couch.

Luckily, someone else has.

The Amish.

You may have read the story in which the Amish community outside of Cleveland, Ohio, began sewing masks and gowns for doctors and nurses at the Cleveland Clinic, the world-famous hospital that was encountering the same shortages of personal protective equipment that have killed medical personnel across the country.

But God bless the Amish.

They stepped in to save the day. They started sewing masks and gowns like it was going out of style.

Go, Amish people, go!

So I’m not worried anymore, and neither should you be.

Everybody knows that the Amish really know how to run a full-court press. Did you see Witness? What a movie! The Amish worked together and built that barn, lickety-split. I bet that if they really put their backs into it, they can supply all of us with masks, in no time.

I bet they'll throw in a free quilt, to boot.

America has a new secret weapon, and it's the men in black.

They’re keeping away the other men in black.

Undertakers.

When you have the Amish on your side, why engage the massive might and scale of corporate America?

Better to let the corporations gouge the states, the hospitals, and the taxpayers for lifesaving equipment.

When the Mafia shakes you down, it’s called extortion.

When corporations shake you down, it’s called deregulation.

Just remember the business of America is business.

And this federal government knows who butters its bread.

Meantime, we got the Amish, who can actually churn butter. Can corporate America do that?

Okay, maybe, but still.

I'm betting on the Amish.

I have no other choice.

Neither do you.

But the best is yet to come.

I can’t wait until the Amish start making tests for the coronavirus. The federal government says that everybody’s ready to go back to work, but I’d like to know if my coworker has coronavirus before he passes it to me.

And I die.

So the Amish need to get busy on testing, tout de suite.

Like, pronto.

I’m sure they’re up to the task. Look at all the time they save not taking selfies. I’m pretty sure that’s their secret.

Most importantly, the Amish need to develop a coronavirus vaccine.

We need a cure, right away.

As in, chop-chop.

We can’t go running around in public, exposed to a highly transmissible deadly virus, without a test or a cure.

I mean, who would suggest such a stupid thing?

Between us, I don’t know what the Amish are waiting for, frankly.

They were so good in Witness.

Maybe that's because Harrison Ford was around, telling them what to do.

I love Harrison Ford.

Remember how he punched that guy in the movie?

Unfortunately, Harrison Ford is now flying antique planes and almost had another accident in one last week. They were considering taking his airplane keys away, but I think that would be mean. After all, no one was harmed when he ended up crossing a runway that already had a plane coming in.

I think Harrison Ford might need to get to Washington, D.C., and take command of the Amish.

He can even fly Air Force One there.

I saw that movie, too. Did you?

He was great in that.

I feel certain that things are going to be just fine, from now on.

Don't you?

Look for Lisa and Francesca’s humor collection, “I See Life Through Rosé-Colored Glasses,” and Lisa’s novel, “Someone Knows,” in stores now. Also look for Francesca’s debut novel, “Ghosts of Harvard," on sale now.