Forget hot girl summer. It’s hot bug summer in Philly. | Satire
Maybe it’s just the 17 years of social distancing talking, but I am ready to put my feelers out there.
There’s something in the air right now, Philadelphia. Can you feel it deep down in your thorax? Maybe it’s just the 17 years of social distancing talking, but I am ready to put my feelers out there. You know what I’m talking about. Whether you’re a freshly vaxed human or a recently molted bug like myself, it’s time we spread our wings. First thing I did when I crawled out the soil was create an account on OkAphid. Then I posted a six-hour video of myself chirping really loud. It just felt right. So far I haven’t had any luck — below are some of my early strikeouts so far — but I’m not giving up yet.
♦ ♦ ♦
Cicada: Sup.
Spotted Lanternfly: Uh hi. Do I know you?
Cicada: No. I was just looking @ your profile.
Spotted Lanternfly: OK and?
Cicada: U pretty.
Spotted Lanternfly: lol srsly
Cicada: Yeah. U look like if Minnie Mouse’s dress was a bug. So cute.
Spotted Lanternfly: lol!
Cicada: Sorry. I’ve been out of the scene for a while, you know. I’m rusty.
Spotted Lanternfly: Winter lockdown. I hear you.
Cicada: More like I was living underground in the dirt for 17 years.
Spotted Lanternfly: Really? Doing what?
Cicada: Just working on myself. Personal growth.
Spotted Lanternfly: That’s deep.
Cicada: Yeah, about eight feet.
Spotted Lanternfly: rimshot
Cicada: And then I molted and now I’m here.
Spotted Lanternfly: k
Cicada: So listen I’m only in town for a few days…
Spotted Lanternfly: Here we go.
Cicada: No, it’s not like that. I just need to mate and die.
Spotted Lanternfly: Heard that line before. Later.
♦ ♦ ♦
Cicada: Sup, shorty?
Mosquito: Do you have blood?
Cicada: What? No. So. I’ve been out of the game for a while, but I saw your bio says you’re looking for casual encounters.
Mosquito: I just like blood. You don’t have blood?
Cicada: No.
Mosquito: You’re sus.
Cicada: I don’t know what that means.
Mosquito: Unvaxed blood tastes better! Citronella’s a myth! Bedbugs are perverts! Later, idiot.
♦ ♦ ♦
Cicada: What U up to?
Spotted Lanternfly: You again. I’m just out here climbing on a tree, chomping leaves, excreting harmful sugar discharge from my butt.
Cicada: Dang.
Spotted Lanternfly: Yeah. What are you doing?
Cicada: Hanging out on a tire w/ my friends. [sends selfie]
Spotted Lanternfly: Which one are you?
Cicada: Red eyes, crinkly wings, inscrutable expression.
Spotted Lanternfly: I think you look sad.
Cicada: That’s probably ‘cause I’m with my brood.
Spotted Lanternfly: Is that a pun?
Cicada: [sends shrugging insect emoji]
Spotted Lanternfly: lol
Cicada: So, wanna get together?
Spotted Lanternfly: You thirsty.
♦ ♦ ♦
Cicada: Sup. I like the whole stripe look u got going on.
Murder Hornet: CHECK THIS OUT. [sends unsolicited stinger pic]
Cicada: wtf
Murder Hornet: I WILL KILL YOU
Cicada: blocking you.
Murder Hornet: KILL YOU KILL YOU KILL
[Murder Hornet blocked]
♦ ♦ ♦
Cicada: What’s up, sugarbutt?
Spotted Lanternfly: lol. Knew I hadn’t heard the last of you.
Cicada: Listen I wanna take you out. Like on a date.
Spotted Lanternfly: And do what?
Cicada: How about this: We find a nice porch light with an exposed bulb and we just go crazy headbutting it all night.
Spotted Lanternfly: Well, you’re mad horny and you got no social skills, but I just can’t say no to a prominent clypeus.
Cicada: wut
Spotted Lanternfly: nvm. OK. I recognize that tire, I’m only like three blocks away. On my way...
Cicada: Sweet. I’ll be wearing my “Live Fast, Die Young, Leave a Desiccated Corpse” shirt.
Spotted Lanternfly: Love it. Even though I can fly, I think I’ll try walking there for some reason. Just straight down the middle of the sidewalk, slow as a sunset, right past all those schoolchildren. I should be there in like six hours.
Cicada: Cool. See U soon! [sends happy face emoji]
Cicada: U almost here?
Cicada: Hello.
Cicada: Hello.
Cicada: Ghosted. [sends sad face emoji]
As dictated to Patrick Rapa, a freelance writer from Philadelphia and an accomplished insect whisperer.