Fighting robocalls: A not at all complicated 33-step plan | Satire

Hello there! Welcome to the AT&T help center. You are a valued customer and your time is important to us. We understand that you’ve been receiving “robocalls” — prerecorded messages meant to scam or deceive you into giving away money or personal information.

We’re so very sorry to hear that!

Luckily, help is on the way. AT&T is dedicated to preventing bad actors from calling your phone and request that you please follow the 33 simple steps below.

1. First, gather your account information. It helps to have a billing statement on hand so your carrier can help you more quickly.

2. Next, on your bill, you should see a help number. Find a quiet space in your home and call.

3. As you sit in your quiet space, stop and imagine the call center where these unsolicited calls are originating. Maybe it’s in some other country like Moldova? Where is Moldova, anyway?

4. Like, you know Moldova is a country, and vaguely where it’s at. But could you point to it on a map?

5. That’s embarrassing.

6. Visualize what it’s like there. Maybe there’s a cubicle and someone is punching in phone numbers to reach out to a stranger, only to lie to them.

7. And then realize that we here at AT&T can build a sprawling physical infrastructure of cellphone towers across this continent the likes of which man has never seen, but some dude in Moldova can outsmart us.

8. Actually, don’t think about that too hard.

9. Why, at this very moment, someone leaned back in their office chair in Moldavian office park and shouted: “Oh man, I got a dad in California to share his passwords with me, what a thrill!”

10. Feel free to wonder: What do they talk about at the dinner table after getting home from work? A hard day of scammin’?

11. I’m sure it’s better than the thrilling stuff you tell your family about your job.

12. We’re sorry, that was mean.

13. Now, dial our toll-free help number. We will inform you that we can help you.

14. We can’t help you.

15. We’re sorry, we’re trying.

16. In fact, no one can help you.

17. Our techno-dystopia will march ever-onward without consideration of how robocalls disrupt your life.

18. Internalize that your free time and mental attention is yet another thing for other people to make money exploiting.

19. The robocalls are just the beginning, actually. Soon automated advertising will be on every one of our home surfaces.

20. Make a cup of tea.

21. What if teacups had ads?

22. They most certainly will one day.

23. Consider: Perhaps it’s better not to have a phone? Sure, you’d be like one of those people who “doesn’t have a television” — maybe those people were right all along?

24. Come to grips with the fact that the very thing you purchased your cellphone for, making calls, is no longer possible.

25. Your phone will ring again. It’s a new number. Hit block immediately.

26. That was actually your pharmacy letting you know your prescription is ready. Too late now.

27. Hop in your car and drive to the nearest parking lot. Place your phone on the ground.

28. Smash the phone with a hammer.

29. Collect the pieces.

30. Bury them in your yard.

31. Instagram it with your back up phone, the one from 2011. Thumb through your feed until you feel a pang of emotion. Anything would do, really.

32. Hop in your car and drive to the nearest river.

33. Wade into the water at waist height and float on your back allowing Mother Nature’s current to take you wherever she likes as you leave this techno-hell behind for good.

We value your feedback! Did this support document address your ever-present anxiety about technology?

Answer: Yes / No

Sean Blanda lives in Point Breeze. He, for one, welcomes our new robot overlords.