Who has earned our thanks ... and who deserves the bird
The often incoherent, grammatically challenged ramblings of a man who has watched too much sports, listened to too much music and devoured too many club sandwiches.
BE THANKFUL THERE are still a few weeks left to decide whether or not to buy a Nick Foles jersey for Christmas. A couple more good games and there will be no question he will be THE man for the future.
And how much fun do you think Foles will have teasing Chip Kelly after his Arizona Wildcats demolished Oregon over the weekend. By the way, Oregon's two losses make Marcus Mariota look a little worse, and Kelly a whole lot better.
You should also give thanks that you are not at a holiday table with Kelly running the Thanksgiving hurry up presentation.
"Okay now, 10 seconds to say Grace. Thank you God for putting us in the NFC East. That's enough. Okay, bringing out soup and salad. Five minutes for that. Bring out the rolls; make sure they are already buttered, gotta save time.
"Cut up the turkey ... have it ready to go. One-two-three. Oh, that was good. Mix up the potatoes and the peas. All at once now, time to belch again, got that? Okay, pies and smoothies to go.
"See ya, gotta get ready for Arizona. Thanks, bye."
HOLIDAY TIP #1
Do not bring up the subject of Obamacare.
If the turkey on the table still had its head attached, it would cover its ears. Not even the dead bird wants to hear politics on Thanksgiving.
Then again, there are those who think that roasted bird is where we are all headed. You can think it, but don't say it.
Be thankful that Philadelphia has Federal Donuts. Given the choice between chicken and donuts or turkey and corn, the Pilgrims probably would have ordered out from Federal Donuts on each and every Thanksgiving.
"Yo, Pocahontas. Ova' hea' Babe.
"I'll have eight pieces of Federal chicken, two split breasts, two thighs, and two drumsticks with buttermilk ranch dressing. You can bring that cranberry stuff and dried-up corn over to that John Smith table."
Be thankful the parking attendants at the Wells Fargo Center, Citizens Bank Park and The Linc don't actually have guns and live ammunition when they take the obscene amounts of money being charged to park there.
Really, you want to talk about abuse of fans – the price of parking for a sporting event is the top of the list.
HOLIDAY TIP #2
Nobody really cares about your aches and pains.
And if you're a lacto-ammo-vega-tarian, or whatever church-of-the-latter-day-food-fad you have joined, none of us care about that either.
And if you find a family member choking on a turkey bone, remind them that the Flyers are still paying Bryzgalov $1.6 million a year for the next 13 years.
Give praise and thanks to the music gods that at 64 Bonnie Raitt continues touring after all these years -- and she's still damn good.
Really, is there any better female guitarist than Bonnie Raitt? All right, you can mention among others Nancy Wilson, Kaki King or for sure Joan Jett -- but on the slide guitar, Raitt could share a stage with Derek Trucks and hang in note for sweet nnnnnnnote.
HOLIDAY TIP #3
Do not assume because your gas was silent it was not noticed.
It is no accident that the family cat seated behind you looks as if it was head slapped by Clay Matthews, has tears in its eyes and is frantically scratching its litter box for no obvious reason -- you are the reason.
Be thankful that the Lord has enough compassion for all families that Jerry Jones is never home for the holiday.
Jones has to be at Texas Stadium for the annual Cowboys game, so his gravity-defying face can be spread across America, and not -- thankfully -- forced on only a small group around the Thanksgiving table.
Be thankful that we now have spell check and can all spell cornucopia. It's also known as a horn of plenty.
Hmm, wonder if Tiger Woods has one on his holiday table?
HOLIDAY TIP #4
Remember the phrase "you might be right," and use it often.
For example when a family member says he thinks the Phillies have had a good offseason, do not swing a turkey leg around your head and howl like a Cherokee.
Instead, politely respond: "You might be right, and could you pass the mashed potatoes in your head that you are using for brains, thank you."
And when a bountiful aunt suggests that we should all be happy that Andy Reid is having a successful season in Kansas City, do not pummel her with Brussels sprouts.
Rather, politely suggest: "You might be right, and I presume you still have room in your totally empty head for all the leftovers as well as a 35-pound turkey, thank you."
Be thankful that LeSean McCoy is an Eagle; the Sixers have figured out that losing is the road to eventually winning; the Flyers actually have TWO good goalies; the city colleges have great basketball coaches; Amy Fadool is a member of the local media; and Chris Christie was not in the middle seat on your last flight.
FINALLY, HOLIDAY TIP #5
When you want the party to end and send everybody to the front door. Then - and only then - is it appropriate to bring up Obamacare. It will clear the house.