Red Sox DFA A.J. Pierzynski for crimes against humanity or something
The Red Sox DFA'd catcher A.J. Pierzynski yesterday, citing his poor offensive numbers and a catching prospect waiting in the wings.
To the glee of headline-writers, there was apparently more to it than that.
Yes, that's right. It turns out that instead of producing offensively for the Red Sox while providing steady veteran leadership as a backstop, A.J. Pierzynski had been stealing nuclear secrets from the United States government and selling them on the black market.
Oh, no. It turns out he was on his phone a lot.
"A microcosm of Pierzynski's approach was mentioned by more than one of the backstop's former teammates, who revealed his propensity to spend a significant amount of time looking at his phone while at his locker during games."
*GASP*
Pierzynski, a player known for being congenial and helpful, with a "team-first" attitude, shocked the team by being distracted, indifferent, and having a "phone-first" attitude. They didn't like this, so they took him off their team.
Now, before you start questioning why this relatively benign, already resolved issue is being cast in such a dramatic light, remember that it happened to the Red Sox, making it the most important thing that ever happened.