According to the Washington Post, Redskins quarterback Robert Griffin III will be getting married July 6 to his fiancée, Rebecca Liddicoat.

Their registry, available here, provides a long list of gift ideas for the happy couple.

  • The welcome mat can be taken as an open invitation to crash at the Griffin IIIs' house. Show up any time.

  • While there, be sure to request the Real Simple® White Down/Feather Extra Firm Density Standard/Queen Pillow. They're probably using it, but hey, you're the guest.

  • Why not repay your gracious hosts by making dinner? It's super easy with your Grip Anywhere ladle, spatula, or pasta fork. Maybe I should explain. These are spatulas that you can grip anywhere. Take the rest of your day to wrap your head around that.

  • Good, dinner is made. I'm sure no one will mind that the Oneida® Satin Sand Dune 45-Piece Flatware Set is scattered all over the floor. They shouldn't have made that drawer so hard to open.

  • Make sure you used the Jubliee Napkin and Jubilee Placemat, otherwise they may not know how jubilant they should be for the meal. The answer is "appropriately" jubliant.

  • And for god's sake, I hope their napkins aren't just stting there. We're not animals. They're to be rolled up in a tasteful Beaded Elegance Oil-Rubbed Bronze Napkin Ring. Try to delay the reveal of your classlessness until at least dessert.

  • Yes, I know the picture of the Sharper Image® Digital Food Scale had a piece of cooked meat on it in the ad. We're file the false advertisement suit later.

  • Goodness, look at the time on the Rustic Roman Numeral Clock. Everyone is so busy exchanging uncomfortable glances that they've forgotten to ask if you'd like to take a shower.

  • So, relax with a shower, using a towel from the Spa Collection, or perhaps the Turkish Ribbed set. In either case, you know how a towel works.

  • What's that? The police have been called? Well, this is clearly just a misunderstanding - the mat said "Welcome." No matter; simply start a small fire in the LaMont Home™ Cambria Wastebasket as a diversion while you find a window to scramble out of.

  • Having trouble scaling the side of the house? Well, silly, you forgot to unstrap the Black And Decker® Dustbuster™ Cordless Hand Vacuum from your back. Come on.