Gifts WWE would love to have for holiday season
Tis the season to be jolly, but it is also the season to spend a lot of money on gifts for loved ones and close friends.
WWE is no different, as it will be looking for some holiday joy to come its way and you, my faithful readers, can do just that by giving some lovely gifts the company will surely appreciate.
But what do you give a company that seemingly has everything? That's where I come in, as I have compiled a wish list of things WWE would love for the holidays.
Don't worry -- I've checked the list twice and I've included a couple of sensible trinkets. However, there are a few wacky ones, too.
OK, enough with the bad holiday puns. Here's the gift guide for WWE:
For television ratings to increase
I realize this might be asking a lot as you might have already given up on being a consistent viewer of WWE television, and judging by WWE's television ratings the last couple of months, you're not alone.
But do WWE a solid, will you? Sit down, clear every analytical and logical cell in your brain, and become immersed in the WWE Universe for three long, long, long, long hours on Monday nights. Did I mention that the program was three hours? So you might want to clear your schedule.
I know, you'd probably want to do anything else besides watching meaningless matches for three hours every Monday night, only to watch some of those same matches again every Thursday night on Smackdown. But WWE, its advertisers and its shareholders would hold you close to their collective hearts for doing so.
Do you have a heart? Watch the show.
For fans to get firmly behind Roman Reigns
You can make WWE's holiday season a little more joyful by getting fully behind Roman Reigns, as the company is doing everything it can to make him its next top star.
Things aren't going horribly, but they could be going much better for WWE, as Reigns still receives mostly lukewarm reactions no matter how much steam the company puts behind him.
In WWE's perfect world, all fans would accept Reigns as the new face of the company, purchase tickets to see him, buy his merchandise and look at him in the same light as John Cena and every other top star who came before him.
Make WWE's world perfect by getting it this gift.
For fans to stop keeping track of wins and losses
WWE doesn't want you to care about who wins and who loses. If it did, it wouldn't have everyone on the roster have essentially a .500 record.
So to make WWE's holiday season go a little more smoothly, forget about the outcomes of matches, will you? WWE does sometimes, so why can't you?
For fans to have short-term memories
"Sting? He showed up at Survivor Series in 2014? I don't remember!"
At least that's what WWE would like you to think. WWE has a knack for revising history sometimes, so the perfect gift would be to play along and pretend certain things never even happened, such as Sting making his long-awaited WWE debut at Survivor Series last year.
Remember? Oh, that's right, Dolph Ziggler took down The Authority all by himself. That's what I remember. See? I've already given WWE this gift. Now, it's your turn.
Persuade Steve Austin/The Rock to wrestle at WrestleMania
Want to make WWE love you forever?
Track down WWE's two biggest stars of the last 20 years, "Stone Cold" Steve Austin and Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, and convince them that it would be within their best interest to lace up the boots one more time and step into the ring at WrestleMania in April.
They don't even have to face each other, as long as they're in the ring against somebody. Heck, even something. I can totally see WWE trying to sell The Rock going up against an actual rock or Austin going up against a real rattlesnake from Texas. If it means putting the names "Austin" or "Rock" on the marquee, then so be it.
Because having those two names on the marquee would certainly help WWE fill the massive AT&T Stadium in Arlington, Texas, which can house more than 100,000 people for football games -- football games that do not have seats on the floor.
This would also help the subscriber number for WWE Network increase as well, so you'd be getting the company two gifts for the price of one.
Discover the fountain of youth and pass it on
Oh, would WWE love you for this. Discovering the fountain of youth and passing it along to WWE means it can have legends such as The Undertaker, Shawn Michaels, Ric Flair, Triple H and even Sting wrestle in 2015, but look and feel as if they're 30 years old all over again.
With all but one (Triple H) being at least 50 years old, and Flair being past 60, having them wrestle in 2016 makes them more of a liability. Yes, The Undertaker has wrestled more in 2015 than he has had in recent years, but WWE would love to make him 35 again and put him back on a full-time schedule.
Sting is creeping up on 60, but imagine if he were just 40 again. He probably wouldn't be as banged-up as he was after his match against Seth Rollins at Night of Champions.
I'm sure the 70-year-old chief operating officer himself, Vince McMahon would like to have a few swigs of this as well.
Give wrestlers invincibility powers
Speaking of banged-up wrestlers, WWE has a lot of those right now. Daniel Bryan, Cesaro, Randy Orton, Sami Zayn, Hideo Itami, Tyson Kidd and Rollins are just a few of the talented WWE guys sidelined because of injury.
That's not counting those who have already missed time this year such as Rusev and Jey Uso.
Give WWE the gift that never stops giving and let the wrestlers become impervious to pain, so that WWE can have them work as many live events as possible without the fear of them getting injured because of wear and tear or a freak accident.