John Oliver took to the web for a "Last Week Tonight" reminder about just how exhausting the holiday season really is. The worst celebration of all? New Year's Eve.
"New Year's Eve is like the death of a pet," Oliver says in a YouTube video. "You know it's going to happen but somehow you're never really prepared for how truly awful it is."
But, fret not. Oliver has tips to avoid different New Year's Eve scenarios and to ensure you can stay warm in your bed watching the entire "Diehard" franchise. Here are a few excruciating New Year's Eve events you may be invited to and how to chat yourself out of them.
If your friend is going through a divorce and wants to do "guy stuff" (aka go to the strip club): "Tell him your cousin Paul Smecker has suddenly become ill and needs some of your bonezymes." Every factor in your response is obviously untrue, but realistic enough to escape the clutches of glittery girls on New Years.
If you're invited to a party at a friend's house: Tell them you're doing a cleanse. "Because nobody wants to hear about your [expletive] cleanse. Nobody."
If you're invited out on a girls night: In honor of the lyrics to the New Year's anthem Auld Lang Syne which say, "Should auld acquaintance be forgot," just forget about 'em. Sure, you may lose some family and friends but according to Oliver, "the best way to celebrate New Year's Eve is by lying."
Thank you, John Oliver.