New book exposes on-the-job retirement

By Stanley Bing;

Collins, 208 pp. ($19.95)

Reviewed by Cecil Johnson

Don't make jokes at a staff meeting "unless you are the appointed fool and you know what you are doing," corporate executive and business satirist Stanley Bing advises fellow executives in his latest glimpse through the looking glass of life in the corporate world.

Bing, of course is not Bing's real name. In private and corporate life he's known as Gil Schwartz, and he is a public relations executive at CBS. That being the case, it is reasonable to assume that he knows of what he speaks when he writes in his latest book,

Executricks,

about how to retire and still draw the pay and enjoy the benefits of a full-time member of the corporate team.

Some have complained that youth is wasted on the young. Well, Bing takes the position in this book that retirement is wasted on the old. He has, therefore, published this manual on retiring on the job. Although his tongue is implanted firmly in his cheek in this endeavor, it is pretty clear that he is really dead serious.

Having seen a lot of goofing off in the executive suites, in

Executrix

Bing offers instruction on how to do it and, perhaps inadvertently, how to spot it.

The advice about not trying to be a comedian at staff meetings comes from Bing's chapter on how to avoid meetings, how to cut meetings short, how to endure long meetings, and how to avoid calling attention to oneself and still get credit for participating in the meeting.

Of staff meetings, Bing writes: "Friendships, alliances, mutual bonding, and discipline - are all featured in a good staff meeting. . . . You hear about things. Unlike most meetings, a gathering of monkeys who hang together on the corporate tree is almost never a waste of time. They can go on a bit long, but that's a chance to BlackBerry your pals under the table to complain about Ferdlinger, who just doesn't know when to shut up."

Speaking of the BlackBerry, Bing considers it an indispensable tool for on-the-job retirement. He sees the device as key to having the freedom to stay away from the workplace and have fun, while maintaining control of the people under and above you who are doing the actual work.

"The BlackBerry is you. You are the BlackBerry. When people look at their BlackBerrys, they must see and feel your presence even when you are not there. If you do not create and preserve this constant presence that invades the lives of all who share your domain, your power and influence will molder," Bing writes.

He warns, however, about the dangers of BlackBerry addiction, points to its symptoms, and notes that there is currently no known cure for it or any support groups for the afflicted.

Bing is big on most forms of technology for helping a retired-on-the-job executive delegate work and decision-making while keeping as much distance as possible from them. He includes a mini-course on the good, bad and ugly of writing e-mails. He hates PowerPoint presentations and includes instruction on how to make them so bad that one will not be asked to do too often.

Cell phones also earn Bing's contempt. He believes that they should be used as sparingly as possible and only to the extent that they aid one in "pursuing our noble goal of a nonworking, company-funded, corporate state-support retirement."

Nevertheless, he maintains, 80 percent of the content in cell phone conversations is people telling other people where they are located and other trivia.

Bing asks: "And what are the implications for us as a species? In certain cities around the world it is impossible to see any person actually walking down the street thinking his or her own thoughts. Don't we need thoughts? And, if not, since when?"

Some readers are likely to rank

Executricks

as the best so far of the sardonic treats that have flowed out of Bing's word processer.

Oh, and that pen name Bing: Schwartz makes several allusions in

Executricks

to

The Godfather

and

The Sopranos.

Apparently, he is a fan of Mafia movies and TV shows. Bada bing!