Elderly parents and money

DALLAS - It is the one discussion that adult children must have with their aging parents.

Many cringe and avoid it because the subject is so sensitive: parents' finances, how they are organized, and what the parents' last wishes are.

Some parents guard their finances closely, even from their children. To them, it's a matter of privacy.

Some fear that their children are only after their money.

But helping your parents organize their finances and seeing whether they have planned well so that their last wishes are carried out could open the door to examining your own finances.

That's what happened to Susan Livingston of Dallas. "As an occupational therapist specializing in home health and geriatrics, you might assume that I would be very capable at managing my elderly parents' finances as they aged, with the understanding of the dynamic of loss and how money is such a symbol of independence," she said. "If only that were true."

Livingston's father, who died in November, had cancer, and her mother, who has Alzheimer's disease, is in a nursing home in Pennsylvania.

They didn't have their finances organized and weren't eager to talk to their children about them.

"My parents were very guarded - that money is not your business," said Livingston, 52. "They didn't plan for the obvious inevitability that one of them or both of them will pass away, and that somebody will have to deal with it."

She said she had to "dig through the desk" the day before her father's funeral to find out what assets her parents had.

Her parents had refused to draw up a power of attorney, which would have authorized another person to handle their financial affairs if they were incapacitated.

"My mother was so paranoid," said Livingston, who is her mother's guardian and is still sorting through her finances. "She would say, 'You just want our money.' "

As awkward as the subject is for most families, it has to be addressed.

It's a delicate dance and one that will lead many people to seek a financial adviser who can help them. There are specific things you need to look for in an adviser to help your parents.

Much of the advice applies to consumers in general, but it's especially important for seniors, who are prime targets for unscrupulous salespeople.

"The last thing people of this demographic need are product pushers," said Rick Salmeron, a certified financial planner at the Salmeron Financial Network Inc. in Dallas.

Pay close attention to the questions asked by a prospective adviser.

"When an amateur asks questions of a client, those questions are chosen to determine which product should be sold," Salmeron said. "The conversation is not actually about the client per se."

Follow your instincts.

"Boomers and seniors can and will sense that the conversation is not about meeting their needs, but about selling something," Salmeron said. "When this happens, run. You now know you're working with a salesperson who is trying to make a quota, not someone who is looking out for your best interests."

By helping your parents, you would be surprised at how the process will turn the mirror on your own financial planning.

You also see what retirement is really like and how much money it really takes to live a post-work life.

"You learn from your parents' mistakes - what you shouldn't do - and you also learn about what they did that was right that you also should do," Salmeron said.

Determine whether you have enough life insurance to support your family after your death. Document where your bank accounts are located and what advisers to contact at your death.

"Educate your children," added Livingston, who said she and her husband have talked about their finances with their three adult daughters.

"Share with them what you have set up. Provide them with the tools to help you when you need help, in advance of when you really need help," she said. "During a crisis of health, it may be too late."