Jenice Armstrong | E-card not enough?

A FRIEND DROPS a bombshell on you by announcing that she's about to have an abortion. Would you know what to say? How to respond?

Or would you wimp out and take the modern approach and send her an e-card? That's a strange but easy option now that Exhale, a nonprofit group that counsels women who've had abortions, has electronic greeting cards on its Web site (www.4exhale.org).

Just as with commercial e-card companies such as Blue Mountain, they give you choices. You can go the atta-girl route and say, "I think you're smart, thoughtful and caring. I believe in you and your ability to make the best decision. I think you did the right thing." Or you can tiptoe around the issue a bit and send one that says, "I want you to know that I care about you and how you are feeling. My thoughts are with you."

The genesis for such a concept happened back in 1999, when Aspen Baker, Exhale's executive director, was recuperating from an abortion. A friend who was among the few Baker had confided in arrived unexpectedly bearing a get-well card and flowers.

"That feeling of someone thinking of me, that feeling of someone caring so much about me was huge," recalled Baker, who was 23 at the time.

Any woman faced with having to make such a difficult choice certainly needs the support of her friends and relatives. But I can't wrap my mind around the concept of sending someone in such a situation an e-card.

I don't even like getting them for my birthday. They're way too impersonal. To me, they say someone didn't care enough to stop by Target and get me the real thing. E-cards are the easy way out. Instead of picking up the phone or jotting the person a heart-felt note, you hand over the job of being a supportive friend to an anonymous copy writer.

Baker defended the concept saying, "We can all relate to a time when somebody tells us something and we're all a little stumped. If someone confides in you and trusts you enough to tell you that they've had an abortion, it can be hard to find the words to express your care and your love for the person confiding in you. We all know what to say when we discuss politics or our personal opinions in morality . . . but this is a different kind of conversation."

She's right about that. But then again, aren't there certain circumstances in life when regardless of how awkward it might be, you have to be woman enough to not hide behind a faceless electronic transmission? I recognize that letter-writing has pretty much gone the way of quill pens. It takes effort to find the mental space and time to put pen to paper and come up with just the right sentiments to send a friend in such a situation.

It's so much easier to let someone else do it all for us. And the greeting-card industry has been only too willing to oblige. Just last month, Hallmark announced it was coming out with a line of greeting cards for people undergoing chemotherapy.

"Having an e-card for abortion says this is like every other life event," pointed out Ava Torre-Bueno, a psychotherapist and author of "Peace After Abortion" (Pimpernel Press, $9.95). "So, let's have e-cards for abortion and put it in the realm of every other life event."

An e-card would certainly be a step in that direction. *

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