Ask Amy | A wedding and a 'crazy' birth mother

Dear Amy:

Twenty-six years ago, my husband and I adopted a baby girl. Three years ago, because of a glitch in the state adoption registry, the birth mother returned.

During many phone conversations, she repeatedly told me she just wanted to know that the baby she gave up had grown up happy, and she did not want to upset our family. It's been anything but that!

Our daughter refers to this relationship as "a burden" and to this woman as "psycho, crazy." They meet every week or so for dinner, often with unpleasant results.

Our daughter tells us she feels this woman is so emotionally fragile that she cannot pull back for fear of reactions and reprisals (obscene messages left on voice mail, etc.). We feel that what started out as a curiosity has turned into a destructive relationship.

Now our daughter is contemplating getting married, and the birth mother wants a role in the planning, choosing a dress, etc.

I am not willing to negotiate. My husband has told our daughter that the birth mother can be invited as a guest, nothing more. Our daughter agrees but has not yet had the courage to put this point across.

Dear JG:

Obscene phone messages and emotional manipulations are abusive; if your daughter is truly fearful of what her birth mother will do, she should try to extricate herself from this relationship, or at least maintain firm boundaries.

You want what's best for your daughter, but you aren't in the best position to play "bad cop" to her "good cop." You could help her by finding a counselor for her to speak with right away. She needs mentoring by an objective third party.