Ask Amy | Get a grip on your role as hostess

Dear Amy:

Whatever happened to reciprocating for invitations?

I held a dinner for 14 people. Two couples brought cut flowers, which I had to drop everything to arrange. Two brought bottles of wine, one of which was chilled and ready to be served. But it was neither appropriate with my dinner nor enough to serve 14 people.

Another couple brought candy and cocktail napkins. I'm diabetic, and I already have enough mismatched napkins.

Etiquette experts say that I must write thank-you notes to guests for bringing these gifts.

My other guests will reciprocate by inviting me to their homes, and they will be invited to my home again.

To those who think that a small gift relieves them of their own hosting obligations, may I suggest that burdening me with extra work does not ensure a repeat invitation!

Dear Hostile: I sincerely hope your dinner guests get together and treat you to an intervention. You are beyond grouchy and seem confused about the reason for entertaining.

You do not invite people over to secure reciprocal invitations. The function of a hostess is to generously share your home and bounty with friends.

You seem confused about the meaning behind the "hostess gift." These little treats are meant as a thank-you for the invitation. You shouldn't feel compelled to serve the wine with dinner, and you shouldn't expect that a guest will bring enough for your whole group. You do not need to send a thank-you note. Your guests should follow the dinner with a phone call or note thanking you for your hospitality.

Of course it is nice when people reciprocate for an invitation by inviting you to their homes, but your guests might feel that you are overly critical, exhausted and incapable of having a good time. You really need to put your feet up and relax, don't you think?

Dear Amy: I left my boyfriend of 13 years almost a year ago.

At first I was heartbroken and depressed because of the circumstances of our breakup. My ex started stalking me because he thought I was seeing someone else (I wasn't).

Eventually, I met someone who lived out of town. My ex found out and threatened to kill me. He was arrested for stalking and for making a threat; he already had criminal charges pending against him and was sent to jail.

When I told my new friend about this situation, he found it amusing. When I told him it wasn't funny, he got mad. We haven't spoken for a few weeks. Now I'm wondering if I should call him and talk things out or leave him. I miss him and enjoyed his company.

Dear No: Laughing at your misfortune is a sure sign that your friend is humor-challenged. Don't make the mistake of falling for someone so inconsiderate of you and your feelings.

Congratulations. You have dodged two bullets. Now it's time to move along, reflect on your romantic choices, and resolve to spend time with a better class of people.