Ask Amy | She's worried about her husband's heavy drinking

Dear Amy:

My husband drinks four to five beers every night - probably more, because he hides his drinking from me. He no longer comes to bed with me because he likes to stay up drinking.

Alcoholism runs in his family. His parents used to drink excessively but have stopped; his brother is an alcoholic who lives at home with his parents. But my husband insists that he is not an alcoholic, and he shrugs me off when I bring it up.

This is all we ever fight about, and it is causing a strain in our marriage. He thinks I am a huge nag and cites the study that came out last year saying that four drinks a day is healthy for men.

My big issue is that once a week my husband goes out drinking with his friends and, yes, drives home drunk every time. Of course, he insists that he is not drunk, but his blurry eyes, goofy smile and the smell of booze, which keeps me up at night and lingers in our room the next day, prove him wrong.

Unfortunately, my husband is often grumpy during the day and settles into a better mood after drinking. My husband is the most stubborn person I know. He will never admit that he has a problem. I am afraid that nothing will change until he kills someone while driving drunk or gets in an accident and we get sued. I'm afraid I'll lose my savings and home.

Please help!

Dear Helpless: Your husband might not admit that he has a problem, but you know that his drinking is causing a problem for you; you need to concentrate on your problem. The two of you are locked in a dispute that has him citing bogus statistics (it sounds as if your husband has distorted the possible health benefits of drinking wine in moderation) and you policing him and worrying that he will literally drink you out of house and home.

You will never be able to "nag" your husband into submission. (A therapist once told me that "nagging" is what happens when someone doesn't feel heard.)

Al-Anon is an organization designed to offer fellowship and support for people whose lives are affected by a loved one who drinks. That's you, right? At Al-Anon meetings, you'll be able to share, vent, listen and learn from others. Having the support of others in a similar situation will help you cope.

You can find an Al-Anon meeting by visiting its Web site, www.al-anon.alateen.org, or by calling 1-888-425-2666.

Dear Amy: I hope that you can give me some much-needed advice. What is our obligation to attend a niece's wedding nearly 1,000 miles away? We can't afford the plane tickets, hotel room and car rental.

Also, our parents - grandparents to the bride - are elderly, not in the best of health, have difficulty with English, and are very uncomfortable with making this trip. But the father of the bride has nagged them to the point of tears.

Dear Rather: If you can't make it to this wedding, then you can't make it. People don't seem to realize how stressful traveling can be for some elderly people. It is unfair of your brother to pressure your parents without offering them assistance.

Don't blame your niece for your brother's bad manners, however. Send a gift and nice letter to her and her husband-to-be, wishing them all the best and expressing your regret at not being able to attend their wedding. Spare them the reasons, though. Your travel issues are your own business.