Dad must share with daughter how to deal with Mom’s volatility

Question: My wife and I split up for a couple of reasons — including that she's likely bipolar but refuses treatment.

Slowly over the years of working together to raise our children, we seem to have developed a friendly relationship. I love being with her when she is on the up side; when she is down, I stay clear.

Now my older, college-age child is seeing how her mother really is, and I see them getting into the same strange arguments my wife and I used to get into. It's starting to affect how she feels about her mother.

I've tried to talk to my ex about this. Now my daughter has told her she needs help, and it's almost as if my ex does not hear what we are telling her.

How do you get someone to get help who does not believe she needs it?

I love my daughter and hate to see her not want to visit home because "the crazy [woman] is there," and I would like to see my ex not quite so crazy. Any ideas? Answer: Did you make peace with your ex-wife by getting her to get help despite her not believing she needed it?

No. You accepted the reality of her erratic moods and obstinacy, and you found ways to work with and around them.

So it makes no sense to tackle your daughter's "same strange arguments" from the make-Mom-not-quite-so-crazy angle. The far higher-percentage approach is to show your daughter the path you walked.

Explain to her that her mom is not only volatile (obviously), but also unwilling to take any steps to be otherwise. Then say you've created a warm and working relationship with her mom by recognizing her mom's limits — and your own — and that path is there for her, too, if she wants it.

Question: My husband has always been a fast walker, always in a hurry. When we are out in public, he is usually about 10 feet in front of me and I can't keep up. There is nothing physically wrong with me. I am petite and my legs are shorter.

I saw another couple in the same situation recently and it really got to me how subservient and weak she looked as she scurried to keep up. We have been married a long time. I don't guess anything is going to change after all this time, but I feel uncared for and unloved when he goes off and leaves me trailing behind. Talking (arguing) has done no good. Any advice? Answer: Interesting that you got to look in on your own circumstances as a third party; not everyone gets that opportunity, or recognizes it for what it is.

So I wonder — what would you advise this other woman to do, if you had the chance? That's your answer. In fact, don't look at mine till you have yours.

Here's what I'd say. Stop scurrying after him. Go at your pace, just as he has chosen to go at his. He won't slow down, and you feel demeaned by the expectation that you'll speed up — so what other option is left?

That is, besides dealing with the larger issue of your marriage to a callous and disrespectful husband.

E-mail Carolyn Hax at tellme@washpost.com, or chat with her online at noon Fridays at www.washingtonpost.com.