My life has just been changed.
How, you ask?
Did I win the lottery?
Did I meet a man and fall in love?
More realistically, did I get another dog?
No, I got a new remote control.
And it changed my life.
I'm still trying to decide whether this means something great about me or something awful.
On the Great side of the ledger is that it's the simple things in life that matter.
On the Awful side of the ledger is that remote controls are not what they mean when they say it's the simple things in life that matter.
And, actually, what I think they say is that the best things in life are free, and, let me tell you, Comcast is certainly not free.
But for good or for ill, I just got married, and this time it's forever.
The deal was clinched by my new remote control, which is the latest and greatest incarnation the company offers, and for that, I owe thanks to you, my beloved readers.
We begin our story when I do the laundry, which happens about once a month, no kidding.
I will let my sheets rot before I wash them, mainly because ain't nobody sweating in my bed, if you follow.
You will recall that dogs don't sweat.
I hate doing the laundry, and so, generally, I gather up the sheets and a blanket really carelessly, roll them up into a ball, and stuff them in the washing machine and get it started. Invariably, somewhere in the middle of the cycle, the machine will stop and its yellow light will blink UL, which stands for "uneven load."
I'm like, "You're telling me?"
My load in life has been uneven for a long time.
And where can I find somebody to do mommy's laundry?
So you get the idea. I'm so careless with doing laundry that last week when I washed my sheets, I accidentally washed my TV remote, so it'll be really clean for the next time I wear it.
And if that's not dumb enough, the next time I did the sheets, I washed the remote that I replaced it with, but, miraculously, it still worked. But the point of the story is that I posted on Facebook about the miraculous remote control that worked even after it went through the washing machine, and one of you genius readers posted:
"Lisa, you have the old remote."
That was all I needed to hear.
And now I have the new remote, which not only changed my life, but renewed my faith in American ingenuity.
Number one, it has only one button to turn the TV on and off, the way God intended.
This is a little-known fact, but it was actually Satan who invented the idea that you had to press a TV button and turn that on or off, and then press a cable button and turn that on or off.
The work of the devil.
Or the cable company.
Number two, the new remote control has voice recognition, so if you want to turn the channel to NBC, you just say, "NBC" to the remote. In other words, you can actually talk to the remote control and have it do what you say - when you say it!
How many women have ever experienced that sensation?
Not this one.
Yet another reason I'm sure this marriage will last forever.
Finally, and best of all, the remote control actually knows when it's dark out and lights up, which, if you ask me, is the reason science was invented in the first place.
I remember writing long ago that I used to be jealous of Daughter Francesca's remote control in New York City, which has a button that you could turn on to light up the remote. But now, here in Philadelphia, we don't even have to press a button.
Our remote controls just know.
So it's a brave new world for me, and for you too, if you get this new remote.
It didn't even cost anything extra, above and beyond my normal monthly cable bill of $2,938,749,399,393.20.
Because the best things in life really are free.
Look for Lisa and Francesca's latest humor collection, "I've Got Sand in All the Wrong Places," and Lisa's new novel, "Damaged," in stores now. Also look for Lisa's new domestic thriller, "One Perfect Lie," coming in April 2017.