Reali-ty of Fantasy: Reeling player needs to get the mojo back

Three weeks is nothing. I waited six for my Chia Pet to grow. (It didn't. I forgot to add water.) But in this fakety-fake fantasy of ours - where time is set to ludicrous speed - three weeks is everything. We're in Week 4 now, and that's the quarter pole. Welcome to your mid-mid-phony-life crisis. You've got a potbelly, drive a Vespa, make funny noises when you get up from playing Killzone: Liberation, and you're 1-2.

What you need now (and by you I mean me) is a stabilizing force in your life. You (I) need a rock. You (This Guy!) need to take the power back. And here's how.

10 simple rules for taking the power back:

1. Bench all Oakland Raiders. Immediately. Or before that.

2. Fly out to Green Bay and remind Greg Jennings his job is to catch footballs. Preferably more than 0, 1 or 2.

3. Stick around GB for an extra night to cajole Ryan Grant into falling forward when he's stuck at 99 yards.

4. Pick up Pierre Garçon of the Colts to increase team je ne sais quoi. (That squiggle under his c is called a cedilla. According to Wikipedia, it means "hook." Also according to Wikipedia, it grants the possessor the power to levitate.)

5. See if League Commissioner will give points for a Frenchman who levitates. That's levitation, hommes.

6. Cease and desist chasing tight ends. You're above it. And look ridiculous doing it. After the top four, they're all good one week and invisible the next two.

7. Invite Lovie Smith to dinner.

8. Invite Matt Forte to dinner.

9. Make a pot roast.

There's your compass. Your Zelda Map. Your power. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a bald Chia to not manicure.

Week 4

StartersAaron Rodgers vs. Vikings. Irony is my Farvorite literary device. 300 and 3.

Matt Forte vs. Lions. The night you've waited for your whole life. Rent the tux, borrow Dad's station wagon, and tell your cousin Marvin about that new sound you just heard at the Enchantment Under the Sea.

Pierre Thomas vs. Jets. 128 and 2 for the Saints after halftime last week. Pierre's mama must give out the best orange wedges. Jets' D is tough, but so was that $4.99 prime rib you had in Vegas, and that didn't kill you.

SittersAnyone on the Browns, Raiders or Rams not named Flipper Anderson.

Any object involved in the Buccaneers-Redskins game. This includes the first-down marker, the pylon, and the silver dollar used for the coin toss (for those of you in a Fantasy Coin Toss League). I wouldn't watch this game with your eyes.

Larry Johnson vs. Giants. If old were an invention, he'd be the wheel.

Fearless predictionJoe Flacco will outpoint Tom Brady this week. If you take away one thing from this entire column, let it be this: impregnating supermodels = good; unibrows = better.

Stupid predictionCedric Benson will be your Week 4 points leader. What can't Browns do for you? Stop anyone from running over them. 160 and 2 touchés.

Fearless, stupid predictionRonnie Brown will pass for more touchdowns than Chad Henne this week. Wildcat vs. Dolphin is a no contest on Animal Faceoff.

Reali-ty bitesIt looked like a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle threw up on the Seahawks' uniforms last week. . . . I think Steve Smith is pretty close to putting Jake Delhomme in a guillotine choke. . . . Steve Smith2 will have a better year than Steve Smith1. . . . Steve Smith3 was an underrated basketball player. . . . Wasn't Steve Smith4 the drummer of Journey? . . . I just ran out of Steve Smith material. . . . Pierre Garçon's Squiggly would be a funny team name. Bye week would be funnier - if your opponent benched his whole team thinking he had the week off. . . . Jeremiah Trotter sounds like he could be the prosecutor in My Cousin Vinny. I want him to voir dire a witness. . . . The cut of tuna on that commercial looks delicious. . . . That commercial ended with a voiceover saying "eliminates hairballs." . . . Week 4, T-minus soon. This is why we play the fake games. Watch comfortably. Fantasize aggressively.