Sideshow | Woody's wild about Scarlett

Should 36-year-old

Soon-Yi

be worried her slightly older hub,

Woody Allen

, 71, has eyes (and nose, lips and balding pate) for

Scarlett Johansson

, who is Woody's junior by like

half a century

? Lest ye faint in excitement and/or disgust: There's no affair. Well, not a sexual one, anyway.

Variety says the head of the Ingmar Bergman meets Harpo Marx school of socio-angstistential cinema has cast Scar in a new film, set in Spain and costarring Penelope Cruz. Woody, who says Scar is "touched by God," had already devoted his London sonnets Match Point and Scoop, entirely to her!

The daughter of a Danish architect, Scarlett is a complex being, who tells Parade, sometimes "I think I look like a young boy." Boy (oh, boy!) or not, S.J. is not wasting her thespianic zeal on Tinseltown. The New York Post says she's up to play a more sexed-up version of Nellie Forbush in a sexed-up production of South Pacific (Sexed-uPacific?) to open in January at Lincoln Center. A big Rodgers and Hammerstein geek, Scar may have to fight Reese Witherspoon and Kelli O'Hara of The Pajama Game for the part.

Kudos to the editor who came up with this one: Lock the radically empathetic pit bull of love,

Anderson Cooper

, in an interrogation room with self-satisfied

American Idol

naysayer

Simon Cowell

(who, Lucasologists say, is Darth Vader's long-lost foppish spawn).

But, alas, in his profile of Darth and Oscar Wilde's love child, which is set to air Sunday on 60 Minutes, the CNN anchor's love never penetrates Si's SelfLust. When the newsman compares Idol to "a medieval stoning," Si seems well-pleased: "It's an interesting thought for a show where we actually could" stone people to death. (Whoa! dude. Stoned to death?)

A bit shocked, maybe, Anderson's, like, should executions be on TV?

Like a kitty getting catnip, Mr. Simon playfully avers, "Yeah, why not?"

In a disturbing interview with TV Guide, Simon Cowell's fellow

Idol

ator,

Paula Abdul

, accuses the Brit NonGent of messing with her head during the show and making her look as if she were a freaky, spaced-out chick.

Paula, who insists Cowell has "become a really good friend," tells a grisly tale of abuse. She tells the tale of an uncanny mesmerist who mocks her sotto voce when she's on camera.

"I've got the antagonistic brother goofing on me, trying to throw me off," says Paula, who insists it's Si's evil magic that so flusters her she sometimes slurs her speech.

This is the real source of all those awful rumors she's cuckoo, high or drunk 24/7, Paula said. She insists she's "never been drunk" in her life and does not "do recreational drugs."

As for Simon's claim Paula was totally hot 'n' bothered by him for a while?

"Oh, puh-leez! He makes this stuff up."

Tori Spelling

, no stranger to family strife, parental conflicts, or the turmoil and self-torments of drug abuse, became a mom Tuesday, giving birth to the 6-pound, 6-ounce

Liam Aaron McDermott

in Lalaland.

The baby, produced with help from Tori's hub, Dean McDermott, seems to be helping mend old fences. People reports Tori's mom, Candy Spelling, who had been estranged from Tori for many, many moons, was present at the birth! The baby's middle name, Aaron, is of course, given in remembrance of Tori's dad, producer Aaron Spelling who died in June.

With the nomination he received yesterday, young go-getter

Bob Barker

is poised to win his 18th Daytime Emmy. It'd be a sweet prezzie to go out with: The 83-year-old Barker will retire from CBS's trailblazing TV phenom,

The Price Is Right

, in June. The Daytime Emmys are on that same month, on the 15th. Barker's 17 already include a lifetime-achievement award.

Members of a local non-profit org, the South Jersey Paranormal Research (SJPR), will chat with investigative reporter par excellence,

Maury Povich

, tomorrow on Povich's talk show (at noon on myphl17).

Will ghostly beings appear and accost Povich? No details yet, except that Maury's peeps invited SJPR to the show to explain how they study spirits and other paranormal junk.