Chick Wit | What girl needs superpowers when she can have Archie?

I realized the other day that I don't care about superpowers because I didn't read those comics as a kid. To me, Superman and Batman were for boys. Girls had Betty Cooper and Veronica Lodge, the blond and brunette bombshells of the Archie comics. I loved those comics and still remember their many valuable lessons.

What were they? Here are Betty and Veronica's Lessons For Girls.

Before we begin, let me remind you that Betty and Veronica were best friends who went to Riverdale High School. They were both gorgeous, impossibly curvy, and permanently 17. But their personalities were very different:

Betty was poor, but nice and natural. She wore her canary-yellow hair in a bouncy ponytail and dressed like a tomboy. In fact, Betty has her own Web page these days, www.archiecomics.com, which reveals that she sews her own clothes. The Web site sums her up as "your average small town girl," and her blog (of course, she has a blog) contains salsa recipes.

In contrast, Veronica had money, and was mean and spoiled. The Web site says that she's "gorgeous, sophisticated, sexy and very RICH." (The capitals are theirs; I save my capitals for better things.) Veronica is also "ambitious" and "confident." Veronica writes in her blog: "only three weeks of school left - must buy summer clothes!"

By the way, neither girl is described as smart. Anywhere.

What have we learned, so far?

   Lesson 1: Poor people are better than rich people. Blond people are better than brunette people. Black people don't exist.

Unlike Betty, who lives with her normal family, Veronica lives with her father, a family situation that is borderline creepy. Mr. Lodge is most often found sitting in a club chair, reading the newspaper and waiting for his daughter to ask him for things. She calls him Daddykins. He always says yes.

   Lesson 2: Single parents produce messed-up kids.

To continue, Betty and Veronica form the distaff base of a love triangle that peaks in Archie Andrews. The storyline of every comic is the same - Betty and Veronica, theoretically best friends, scheme, plot, and deceive each other in order to win Archie.

   Lesson 3: Even your best friend can, and should, be ditched for a guy.

Which girl do you think Archie chooses more often - sweet, uncomplicated Betty or neurotic but sexy Veronica? You guessed it.

   Lesson 4: Men dig crazy.

The Web site admits that: "Betty is extremely devoted to Archie, but sadly is most often playing second fiddle to her best friend Veronica for his affections. Through every crazy loving scheme to win Archie's love, Betty always remains completely unaffected, loyal and sweet." Of course she does. How Betty of her.

   Lesson 5: Nice is a waste of time.

But here's something I never understood. Why do Betty and Veronica want Archie so much? He's not attractive. His hair is orange, parted in the middle, and he has cross-hatches for sideburns. His nose looks like a jellybean.

   Lesson 6: Any boyfriend is better than no boyfriend at all.

   Archie doesn't even have a good personality. He's not smart, and that's fine with him. The Web site doesn't apologize for the fact that he "brings home average grades from school." On the contrary, in all respects, Archie is a "typical small town boy."

   Lesson 7: Mediocrity rocks!       But Archie does have a "good, solid family background."

   Lesson 8: Learn to settle.

So, growing up, who did I want to be - Betty or Veronica? I'll tell the truth. I knew I was supposed to want to be Betty, but I secretly wanted to be Veronica.

   Lesson 9: It's OK to be superficial.

It didn't matter to me what Betty or Veronica wanted to be when they grew up. In the comics I remembered, they didn't want to be anything but with Archie. However, the Web site has more recently assigned them career aspirations, because women have the vote now.

   Lesson 10: History can always be revised. If you remember it otherwise, you're wrong.

So, what are the career goals of these two? The site says, "Veronica would someday like to run Lodge Enterprises." Presumably that's her father's business, or a Mafia front. Knowing Veronica as I do, I wouldn't put it past her. Veronica could be an excellent crime lord if she'd stay out of Neiman Marcus.

   Lesson 11: Nepotism is a fancy word for born winner.

Finally, what's Betty's career plan? "Betty's goal is to become a famous writer."

   Lesson 12: Follow your dream, in case you're a Betty.