Ask Amy | Twin teens getting friendly with topless neighbor

Dear Amy:

I am a 40-year-old divorced father of 14-year-old twin sons.

Recently, a new neighbor moved in next door. She is a very nice, charming, and easy-to-get-along-with 30-year-old single woman whom I'll call Martha.

Martha is a fine neighbor in all respects. However, a problem has arisen, and I need some advice. On weekend afternoons when my sons play baseball in our backyard, Martha sunbathes topless in her back yard (always while lying on her stomach, as far as I know).

The tall wooden fence between our yards provides her some privacy. However, when the boys hit a foul ball into her yard, she allows one of them to come over to retrieve it.

Even though the fence is tall enough to prevent the boys from peering in at her, and even though she stays lying on her stomach whenever she is topless, the boys seem to hit more than their fair share of foul balls over the fence. One recent weekend while they were retrieving a ball from her yard, Martha allowed one of the boys to apply sunscreen lotion on her back.

I found her behavior inappropriate because my boys are at the age when they notice girls and because she doesn't always keep her arms tightly at her side when sunbathing.

When I spoke to her about this, Martha said that it isn't a big deal and that the boys are perfect gentlemen.

Now what do I do? Am I making a big deal out of nothing? Should I prohibit my sons from backyard baseball and make them go to the playground field a few blocks away?

Dear Concerned: I wouldn't be so worried about the topless sunbathing - many women undo the back of their bikini tops while lying on their stomachs. It doesn't seem out of the ordinary, though obviously it might seem extra-interesting to your sons at their age.

The lotion spreading, though - that's not good. Not good at all.

If your sons were daughters and if your neighbor a 30-year-old man, you would see this behavior as worse than inappropriate. You might see it as predatory. Of course Martha doesn't think this is a big deal. But she is in no position to judge.

Your sons should not have any physical contact with your neighbor. As their dad, you should make this extremely clear to all parties, and then you should be vigilant to make sure that their contact remains nothing more than a neighborly "howdy" over the back fence.

Dear Amy: If someone is invited to a birthday party and cannot attend, is he or she required to give a gift? My friend believes that if you are invited somewhere, you have to give a gift, no matter what.

Is this correct?

- Not Sure in Lowell, Mass.
Dear Not Sure: If you're invited to a birthday party and can't attend, it's thoughtful to send a card, but a gift isn't "required."

It might help to consider how this would play out if you were celebrating your own birthday.

Would you expect to receive gifts from people who couldn't attend your party? Unless the non-attendees were family members, probably not.